Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 3: SCENE 2

ACT THREE – SCENE TWO

 

Setting:

(The Griffin Household, Interior, Living room) LOIS sits on the couch, in the dark, sobbing into her hands. Lights spills out from the kitchen.

 

PETER stands in the doorway, his shadow stretching across the floor. He slowly raises a sandwich up to his mouth. He takes a bite while staring at his wife. He gradually finishes the sandwich and then opens a bag of chips, crunching them loudly. LOIS is still sobbing aloud. He empties the bag and then shakes the crumbs from the bag into his mouth. With the chips gone, he opens a beer. LOIS is still sobbing. PETER takes a long gulp of beer and then rests the beer against his chest.

 

PETER:

Hey… um… Lois, you on your period or something?

 

LOIS:

(Turning to look at PETER.)No, I’m not on my period! Our baby is gone. Stewie just left with that lady!

 

PETER:

Oh, yeah. That whole business. I’m having trouble remembering things since the chimney fell on me.

 

LOIS:

Peter, we have to get our baby back.

 

PETER:

Lois, he made his choice. What can we do?

 

LOIS:

I don’t know. I just want my baby back. 

 

 

PETER:

Wait a minute. I’ve got an idea.

 

PETER rushes out the front door.

 

Setting:

(The Griffin Household, Interior, Living room.)LOIS sits on the couch. PETER enters the living room with STEWIE in his arms. STEWIE has a bottle of Sunny D clutched in his hands.

 

LOIS:

(Trying STEWIE from PETER) Stewie! But how?

 

STEWIE:

He got me my Sunny D, bitch.

 

The frame freezes.

 

ANNOUNCER:

Sunny D. It’s the only reason why your children will stay with you, you dumb whore.

 

-CREDITS-   

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 3: SCENE 1

ACT THREE - SCENE ONE

 

Setting

(Exterior of a single-story ranch house with a weedy, unkempt lawn.) ASIAN WOMAN and the random crowd of Asian enters, crowding the streets. ASIAN WOMAN carries STEWIE in her arms. ASIAN WOMAN  enters the single-story ranch-house, leaving the random crowd of Asians. One of them pulls a smoke bomb out of his pocket, throws it to the ground and then they all disappear.

 

Setting:

(Interior of the single-story, ranch-house.) ASIAN WOMAN sets STEWIE down on a couch next to a sterotypical black baby. ASIAN WOMAN exits into the kitchen.

 

(Description of Black Baby: Big afro, diamond ear rings and a saggy diaper. He looks nothing like Rallo from 'The Cleveland Show') 

 

STEWIE:

Rallo?

 

BLACK BABY:

What?

 

STEWIE:

I just...I mean...Well...Listen, I'm just going to be honest here. You look like someone I know... (To himself.) Wait. Have I met Rallo, yet? I can't imagine why I wouldn't have. The writers are so starved for storylines... That seems like a given.

 

The BLACK BABY is still staring at STEWIE.

 

STEWIE

Oh, I'm sorry. You're still here.

 

BLACK BABY

Who the hell are you?

 

STEWIE

(Offering his hand.) Stewie Griffin. Pleasure to meet you.

 

The BLACK BABY doesn't take STEWIE's hand.

 

BLACK BABY

You gonna die if you don't get out of here.

 

STEWIE

Oh...Aren't you unplesant. (Calling into the kitchen.) Asian mommy! Asian mommy! A word, please!

 

BLACK BABY

(clapping a hand over STEWIE's mouth) Shut up! We both gonna die. This lady's crazy.

 

The BLACK BABY climbs off the couch and gestures for STEWIE to follow. They skirt around  the kitchen door and walk down a hallway.

 

The BLACK BABY pushs open a door to reveal a bedroom full of dead, rotting babies. STEWIE's mouth drops open.

 

STEWIE

What the hell's going on?

 

BLACK BABY

She's been taking babies off the street for years. She lost her own baby and now she's trying to replace him.

 

STEWIE

Wait...Why aren't you dead?

 

BLACK BABY

Because I was the most like her kid.

 

STEWIE

You mean...like, in temperment and personality. Obviuos, you don't mean...

 

BLACK BABY

I don't mean what...

 

STEWIE

Come on. You know. You're...one thing and she's another.

 

BLACK BABY

No, I don't know. How are we different?

 

STEWIE

Come on...You know what... Never mind. You two are exactly alike. You're clearly an Asian child.

 

BLACK BABY

We don't have time for this. She's gonna kill one of us if both of us don't get out of here.

 

STEWIE

But she's going to give me Sunny D.

 

BLACK BABY

(Gripping STEWIE around the shoulders.) She doesn't have any Sunny D. She never has Sunny D.  

 

STEWIE's face goes blank.

 

STEWIE

(Stepping away from BLACK BABY) Just a moment.

 

STEWIE walks away, exiting into the kitchen. There's a loud crash, followed by a scream.

 

STEWIE

(From the other room.) Liar! Liar! You never had Sunny D! Did you! Did you!

 

STEWIE enters the hallway and walks up to BLACK BABY.

 

STEWIE

We're good. Listen, we might want get out of here. Like... now. I'll go to Juvenile Hall, but they'll try you as an Adult.

 

 

 

 



Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 2: SCENE 5

 

ACT TWO – SCENE FIVE

 

Setting:

(The Griffin household, Exterior, front lawn.) Stewie stands on the lawn with the ASIAN WOMAN and the crowd of random Asians on one side LOIS:

Stewie! Stewie! Come to mommy.

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

No, Baby. You come here.

 

LOIS:

I’ll give you cookies and juice.

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

I give you orange slices and math homework.

 

LOIS:

Stewie! Come to mommy. I’ll play ‘The Itsy-Bitsy spider’ on the radio.

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

Baby. Come here or I slap you on the back of your head, so your hair can hide the bruise.

 

STEWIE:

(To LOIS.) Do we have Sunny D or that purple stuff in the refrigerator?

 

LOIS:

I think we just have that purple stuff. I didn’t have time to go to the store.

 

STEWIE:

(To ASIAN WOMAN) Would you have Sunny D?

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

Yes.

 

STEWIE:

(Walking towards the ASIAN WOMAN.) Asian Lady wins.

 

LOIS:

Stewie! No!

 

STEWIE:

Sorry, bitch. You should’ve gotten me my Sunny D.

 

The ASIAN WOMAN scoops STEWIE up into her arms. She and the random crowd of Asians depart down the street. LOIS collapses to her knees, sobbing. PETER kneels at LOIS’s side, comforting her. The frame freezes.

 

ANNOUNCER:

Sunny D. Buy it or your children will leave you, you dumb whore.

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 2: SCENE 4

ACT TWO – SCENE FOUR

 

Setting:

(The Griffin Household, Interior, living room.) LOIS sits, reading a magazine while STEWIE sits on the floor, eating animal crackers and watching JOLLY FARMS.

 

PETER comes crashing in, his shirt torn and his glasses askew.

 

PETER:

Lois. What the hell? You just left me.

 

LOIS:

(Flipping the page on the magazine.) Shit happens.

 

PETER:

You are just awful today.

 

LOIS:

(Flipping the page on the magazine.) And you’re fat. Do you really want to shine a light on the problems in this marriage?

 

PETER:

Fine. I’m gonna go get a beer.

 

LOIS:

You do that.

 

PETER exits into the kitchen.

 

A flaming arrow crashes through the window and sets the carpet on fire. LOIS springs up, screaming. STEWIE scrambles away, disappearing into the kitchen. LOIS stamps the fire out.

 

LOIS:

(Peering through the smashed in window.)What the hell!

 

The crowd of random Asians stands outside the household, wielding swords and bows knocked with arrows. The ASIAN WOMAN stands at the forefront.

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

(Pointing an accusatory finger.) Give back the baby!

 

PETER rushes into the living room.

 

PETER:

What the hell happened?

 

Throngs of arrows fly toward the window. PETER snatches LOIS by the shoulders, pulling her out of the way.

 

LOIS:

(Screaming outside, into the yard.) Lady! What’s the problem!

 

PETER:

They must’ve followed me after you left me.

 

LOIS:

I’m not apologizing for that.

 

PETER:

We’ll circle back to you being a bitch today. I think I should call Joe.

 

PETER exits into the kitchen, only to return a moment later.

 

PETER:

They cut the phone line. What do they want?

 

LOIS:

That crazy lady outside thinks Stewie’s her baby.

 

PETER:

Can we…just…you know… give him to her?

 

LOIS:

Peter! No, we can’t give her our baby!

 

PETER:

Christ! I’m just saying, she’s here with freaking swords and crap. She, clearly, wants him enough to kill for him.

 

LOIS:

Peter! We’re not giving her our baby!

 

PETER:

Let’s let him decide.

 

LOIS:

What?

 

PETER:

You know. Like a dog with tow owners. You know.

 

LOIS:

We will not do that.

 

PETER:

You afraid he won’t come to you?

 

LOIS:

No, I’m not afraid…Maybe, he won’t. I’m not giving him the chance.

 

PETER:

So, you’d rather get shot full of arrows?

 

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT2 : SCENE 3

ACT TWO – SCENE THREE

 

 

Setting:

(Interior, Griffin Station Wagon, Transit.) LOIS looks out the window while PETER drives down the street. There are a growing number of Asians walking the streets. PETER seems distracted by them.

 

LOIS:

Do you see him?

 

PETER:

(Craning his head to see the Asians.) No…

 

LOIS:

Wait. I think I can see him.

 

PETER stops the station wagon and stares out the windows at an Asian man wearing a leather jacket.

 

LOIS exits the car and races toward Stewie as an Asian woman picks him up.

 

PETER exits the car and follows the Asian man in the leather jacket.

 

PETER:

(To the Asian Man.)Excuse me. Are you Jackie Chan?

 

ASIAN MAN:

Yes. Yes, I am.

 

PETER:

Tell me something. You’ve been doing movies in America for years now. How haven’t you learned English right yet?

JACKIE CHAN punches PETER in the mouth. PETER collapses to the ground.

 

Setting:

(Exterior, Sidewalk.)Lois snatches up Stewie, nudging the Asian woman out of the way.

 

LOIS:

My baby!

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

(Snatching at Stewie.)No! My baby! (LOIS holds him out of reach.)

 

LOIS:

(Swift-kicking the Asian woman in the stomach.) What the hell’s your problem, lady!

 

The ASIAN WOMAN crumples to the ground, holding her stomach. All the Asians milling about and stare directly at LOIS.

 

STEWIE:

Lois. Lois. Let’s get in the car…Now!

 

LOIS rushes into the station wagon, slamming the door shut. All the Asian begins to swarm around the station wagon, rocking it on its wheels.

 

STEWIE:

Lois! Lois! Drive!

 

LOIS presses down on the gas and the station wagon lurches forward and away from the crowd of Asians.

 

The station wagon disappears down the street as PETER and the crowd of Asians gives chase.

 

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 2: SCENE 2

ACT TWO – SCENE TWO

 

Setting:

(Exterior, Griffin Household, Roof.) PETER steps up onto the roof and scans across the roof, looking for Stewie. He is nowhere to be found.

 

LOIS comes up the ladder behind PETER.

 

PETER:

What the hell? Stewie’s gone.

 

LOIS:

I left you two alone for half an hour. What the hell happened?

 

PETER:

I don’t know. The little bastard started freaking out and got away from me. He went out the window and up onto the roof.

 

LOIS scans across the roof and spies one of Stewie’s shoes. She skirts around the gaping hole in the roof and picks up the shoe. She peers down the side of the house.

 

LOIS:

I think he went over the side of the house.

 

 

PETER:

Is he down there?

 

LOIS:

No. I don’t see him. (LOIS scans the streets below.) Wait. I think I see his sock down on the sidewalk.

 

PETER:

He couldn’t have gone far. Let’s get after him.

 

PETER and LOIS exit, heading down the ladder.

 

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 2: SCENE 1

 

ACT TWO – SCENE ONE

 

Setting:

(Interior, Griffin Household, Meg’s House.) PETER is sprawled out, unconscious, underneath a pile of bricks.

 

LOIS enters and rushes over to PETER’S side.

 

LOIS:

(Tearing the bricks off of her unconscious husband.)Peter! Peter!

 

LOIS clears the bricks away and begins to shake PETER’S shoulders, urging him awake.

 

LOIS:

Peter! Peter! Wake up!

 

PETER:

(Rolling away from Lois.)Mah.

 

LOIS stands up and kicks PETER in the back.

 

PETER:

(Writhing in pain.) Damn it all to hell! Son of a bastard! What the hell! Why did you kick me?

 

LOIS:

Peter, what happened? Where’s Stewie?

 

PETER:

(Getting to his feet.) We’re going to have a conversation about you not kicking me anymore.

 

LOIS:

Peter! Where’s Stewie?

 PETER:

I don’t know. He got away from me and got up on the roof and, somehow, dropped the goddamn chimney.

 

LOIS:

Is he still on the roof?

 

PETER:

I don’t know.

 

LOIS:

(Calling up through the hole in the roof.) Stewie! Stewie!(To Peter.) Peter. Get the ladder!

 

PETER:

(Putting his hand to his head.) I don’t know, Lois. I think I might need to go to the hospital.

 

LOIS backhands PETER.

 

LOIS:

I said, Get the ladder!

 

PETER:

(Cowering) Yes, Ma’am.

 

A stream of blood begins to trickle from PETER’S ear.