According
to the University Of Pennsylvania’s Baby Statistics Department, the rate of
baby self-immolation has remained unchanged since last year’s study. Professor
Chuck Bentley reportedly said that:
“Absolutely no babies have set themselves on fire as far
as we know. We haven’t really looked and we, honestly, don’t want to.”
Bentley
was asked if this rate was likely to raise or lower. Bentley then said:
“Dude, shut up.”
UPDATE:
Timothy
Carter, who is expected to rescue his elder brother before the end of the
month, has requested more crack cocaine and has offered this reporter oral sex
in exchange for said crack cocaine. This reporter, against the direct orders of
the editorial staff, has elected to honor Carter’s request.
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