Since the Governmental Shutdown on Oct. 01, roving bands of
murderous looters have begun to form in the American Northeast. The rapid
formation of said ‘Road-Warrior’ style groups seems to suggest that the men and
women of the New England and New York area have been preparing for a
potentially lawless Hell-scape for their entire lives. Many of these violent
rapists and thieves have acknowledged the importance of Leadership in these turbulent
times and have agreed to hold formal elections for various positions in this
new government-less Terror-dome.
The following candidates are seeking office in the
following offices:
Running for Secretary of Rocks Big Enough to
Crush a Man’s Skull:
Dan “Hate-Monger”
Smith
Timothy “Face-Stabber”
Johnson
Wanda “Queen
of Blood River” Jacobs
Running for the Office of Cannibalism
Brent “Hell-Mouth”
Simmons
Bill “Sax-Man”
Clinton
Alan “Please
Don’t Hurt Me” Marks
Running for the Office of Half-Crazed
Stabbing and General Bloodlust
Tim “Baby-Stomper”
Cruise
Bill “Do It
Live” O’ Reilly
Dakota “The
Dead-Eyed Monster” Fanning
Lastly, running for the Head of the
Savaging, Face-less Mob
Mike “The
Rock” Gravel
Hope “Pretty
Lady” Wilson
Pamela “Beast
of the Southern Plain” Lane
UPDATE:
Timothy
Carter, who is expected to gather a crack team of convicted felons in order to
save his elder brother from Death Row, has requested even more crack cocaine.
It remains unclear how all this crack cocaine will aid in Timothy rescuing his
elder brother, Craig Carter. The editorial staff has threatened to fire this
reporter if he continues supplying Timothy Carter with a single granule of
Crack Cocaine. This reporter has chosen to ignore their wishes because he is a
reporter, first and an employee, second.
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