News Item of the Month: June

Local Jacksonville, FL resident, Chris Stephens, declares that he's going to "fuck up" his brother-in-law, Jacob Scurry upon his release from prison. Stephens reasons that Scurry has "been fucking around on my sister."

Stephens appeared blurry-eyed with purple lips. His breath had a sour, wine-like scent. Albert O'Conner, Sheriff's Deputy at Jacksonville County Jail, reports, "That boy, Stephens, got into that toilet hooch and it look like he got a shit ton of it."

O'Conner went on to report, "I get into that hooch from time to time, when I ain't got no more beers and I wanna stay lit. Them fuckers get pissed off and I tell them, "Shut your mouth before you get pissed on, fuckers." O'Conner appeared to be intoxicated, as well. A public inquiry has begun into the staffing and policies of the Jacksonville County Jail system.