The Top 10 Letters of The Alphabet (Not In Alphabetical Order)

Here's the top 10 Letters of the alphabet. If your favorite letter isn't here, then you're an idiot and everyone you love is an idiot.

10. T - T is on for titties and that's why I love it.
9. D - D is for Double Ds and that is why I love it.
8. A - A is for Awesome Titties and that's why I love it.
7. L - L is for Lovely Titties and that's why I love it.
6. X - X is for X-rated Titties and that's why I love it.
5. W - W is for "Where's the Titties?" which is the question I'm always asking.
4. V - V is for Vagina, which is typically below a pair of titties.
3. P - P is for Penis, which typically goes into a vagina, which is typically below a pair of titties.
3. Q - Q is for "The Quest for Titties"
2. O -O is for "Oh, shit. There's Titties over there."
1. K - K is for Kittens, which are awesome, but not as awesome as titties.

Don't Have Kids

I was at the store the other night, at about ten o’clock. A squat-looking woman wearing a black, hooded sweatshirt came in with her six-year-old son. The son had little flakes of snow peppered in his curly, black hair and a mouth full of half-rotten teeth. He wore a pair of black shorts and a thin, sweatshirt. The boy and his mother went around the store, filling a shopping basket with junk food. The boy was bounding around the store, wide-eyed and excited to be somewhere warm. I didn’t know the entire situation behind this mother and her child, but I do think that she was the kind of woman who can’t see the consequences of the decisions she made.

 

She turned to me, her skin dried out and bags ringing underneath her eyes. Her eyes were bloodshot like twin cracked mirrors reflecting all the bad ideas she had agreed to. I could see a chubby-cheeked girl of eighteen taking the hand of a man with a different girl’s name tattooed on his neck. I could see him leaving bruises along the back of her head, ones that she could cover with her hair. I could see small, plastic bags filled with marijuana sending her into a decade long haze. The few times that she stepped from that haze, she realized that she wasn’t eighteen anymore, she realized that she had a kid, she realized that she didn’t have the kid’s father. It became easier and easier to remain in the haze because it was harder to come out of it.

 

She smirked at me after her son tossed a bag of corn chips across the sales floor and she said, “Don’t have kids.”

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Jackson 5

I'm just going to say that this song is weird. The subtext is that Little Michael's father is dressed up like Santa Claus and is kissing his mother, but Little Michael doesn't know that. As far as he knows, he just caught his mother in the arms of a stranger and he's eager, excited even, to cause conflict on Christmas morning. He's basically saying, "I won't be happy until my parents are divorced or my mom has a black eye. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, everyone.

http://youtu.be/PITCmngiMfA

Day Zero: December 22, 2012

Hey, Look. Burt, the horny midget's still alive!

Burt - Born in a dumpster to a one-eyed Polecat and a toothless Deck worker named Skittles.
Burt - Never own, nor wore a pair of pants.
Burt -  Can't swim, but refuses to stay away from the pool.
Burt - Spent two years locked in a cage with a rabid monkey. Came out alive with a belly full of diseased monkey meat.
Burt - Ruined every Christmas party he's ever been invited to.
Burt - Bare-knuckle boxed a dog at the age of six.

Day Zero: December 21, 2012

Four days from Christmas and the whole of America is silent. There is no difference between Zero Cell Virus victims and healthy people. They all lay dead in the street, blood dripping from eye-holes, nostrils and mouths. Blood spills from wounds and all the world was death, death, death. There is nothing more for the orld, nothing but meat for the carrion birds.

A Little Honesty At the End Of The World

What If we've just crested into the last day on Earth, the Mayan Apocalypse. How would you feel about your last day on Earth. I've been thinking about it. If today was my last day, I would've wished I were more honest. Here's a little honest at the end of the world.

I'm a liar. I lie because I don't understand why people like me. I am blind in so many ways and I'm just left to guess at why a girl smiles at me, why someone chuckles at something I say, why I can be forgiven, why I can be missed.

I've come to believe that people aren't mistaken when they like me, but I honestly have no idea why they do. I like Quid-Pro-Quo relationships where I can say exactly why the person is around; they need someone to vent to, they need someone to cheer them up, they need someone to lift something heavy. I get why I'm there and I get why we're hanging out.

Day Zero: December 17th, 2012

Wolves ripped through the night, howling and snarling. These night predators entered the city and brought slaughter to people hiding in their houses.