Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 1: SCENE 3

 

ACT ONE - SCENE THREE:

 

Setting:
(Interior, Griffin Household, LOIS and PETER’S bedroom.) PETER lays in bed, wearing a white t – shirt and blue, pin-striped boxer shorts. He has a remote control in one hand and he’s flicking through channels.

 

LOIS enters, holding STEWIE.

 

LOIS:

Peter, I need you to watch Stewie while I run to the super market.

 

PETER:

Why not take him with you? There’s going to be a GOLDEN GIRLS marathon and I want to milk the snake to something weird.

 

STEWIE:

What’s that supposed to mean? Milk the snake? What snake? That makes as much sense as that MILA KUNIS joke.

 

ENTER CUT-AWAY GAG #1

 

Setting: (Interior, Movie theater.)Two guy sit in a theater, watching previews before the feature. The glow of the silver screen washes over their faces.

 

ANNOUNCER:

MILA KUNIS is a young executive with a heart of gold. CHRIS PIKE is a cocky rich kid who never learned to love. These two have to done some crap that doesn’t matter because they’re both beautiful. Coming Soon: PRETTY PEOPLE DOIN’ STUFF.

 

GUY #1:

(Nudging GUY #2 in the side. He laughs once to himself.) I’d like to MILA her KUNIS.

 

GUY #2:

What does that mean?

 

GUY #1:

(Raising his hands for a high-five.) Come on. MILA her KUNIS.

 

GUY #2:

I get it. MILA is the verb, in this instance, and KUNIS is the noun, but what are you doing when you’re MILAING someone’s KUNIS?

 

GUY #1:

Um…. Eating vagina, I guess.

 

GUY #2:

So, you’d like to eat MILA KUNIS’ vagina? That’s what you’re saying?

 

GUY #1:

(Crossing his arm over his chest.) You’ve ruining it when you say it like that.

 

GUY #2:

Come on. Don’t be like that. Say it again. I’ll laugh.

 

GUY #1:

(Standing up.) No. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to watch the movie anymore.

 

GUY #2:

(Calling after the exiting GUY #1) Come on!

 

 

EXIT CUT-AWAY GAG #1

 

Setting: (Interior, Griffin Household, LOIS and PETER’S bedroom.)

 

LOIS:

Peter, if you’re not going to be working than you need to help out and I need you to take care of Stewie. It’ll only be for half an hour.

 

LOIS hands STEWIE over to PETER.

STEWIE
(Calling back to LOIS.) Get Sunny D. I'm serious.

 LOIS exits.

PETER stares into his son’s (STEWIE) eyes, holding him at arm’s length. The camera cuts tight on PETER’S face. The camera cuts to STEWIE’S face. It cuts back to STEWIE, showing only his eyes. It cuts back to PETER, again, showing only his eyes. PETER and STEWIE begin to kiss passionately.

 

There’s a jump cut PETER holding STEWIE at arm’s length. STEWIE had imagined kissing his father.

 

STEWIE begins to kick, scream and squirm in PETER’S grasp.

 

PETER:

(Getting out of bed.) Damn it. Lois! Lois!

 

PETER continues out of the room and down the stairs as STEWIE screams and attempts to escape PETER’S hold.

 

PETER:

(Turning into the kitchen.)Lois! Lois! Stewie’s freaking out!

 

PETER continues out the back door and sees that the car isn’t in the driveway.

 

PETER:

(Continuing back into the household.) Damn it! Where’s Brian?

 

PETER

Brian! Brian!

 

STEWIE manages to slip free from PETER’S grasp. STEWIE kicks PETER repeatedly before dropping to the ground and rushing into the dining room. PETER goes chases after STEWIE.

 

PETER:

Get back here, you little bastard.

 

STEWIE:

Away from me, Fat Man!

 

The camera follows PETER as he chases STEWIE through the house. They snake from the dining room into the Living room, up the stair, and into the STEWIE’S room. PETER just stares STEWIE as he disappears out the window.

 

PETER crosses the room and leans out the window, searching to see where STEWIE disappeared to. PETER spots STEWIE as he disappears onto the roof. PETER climbs out the window and up onto the roof. He slips once, nearly plummeting to the ground below.

 

PETER chases STEWIE around the rooftop, slipping and sliding along the slanted roof. PETER nearly catches STEWIE, lunging at the infant. STEWIE springs out of the way and crashes through the roof and falls into the attic and, then, into MEG’S room.

 

PETER:

 

PETER:

Son of a bastard.

 

The pile of bricks slams down hard on PETER. PETER collapses underneath the bricks, falling unconscious.

 

(Struggling to his knees.) Goddamn it!

 

PETER looks up through the gaping hole in time to see STEWIE shoving the chimney onto its side, dropping it down on PETER.

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script, ACT 1: SCENE 2

 

ACT ONE – SCENE TWO

 

Setting:

(Interior, The Griffin Station wagon, in transit.) LOIS is driving the station wagon while CHRIS sits in the passenger seat.

 

CHRIS:

Mom, I really need to talk to someone about this. I’ve got a problem.

 

LOIS:

(Switching on the car radio.) Why don’t we turn on the radio.

 

RADIO ANNOUNCER:

Thanks for tuning  into WRNX Talk Radio. Today’s topic: ‘At-Risk Teens and the mothers who are actively ignoring their children.

 

LOIS:

Ay, Doesn’t this sound good. Why don’t you shut up and listen?

 

CHRIS:

Mom, please. I haven’t been able to think. I haven’t been able to sleep. I haven’t been able to eat…

 

LOIS:

(Interrupting CHRIS.) The shocks on the car might have a differing opinion.

 

CHRIS:

Mom, Mr. Herbert touched me…

 

LOIS:

We’re here! Hurry on to class.

 

CHRIS:

Mom, I need to talk about…

 

LOIS:

(Shoving CHRIS out of the station wagon.) Get out, Chris!

 

CHRIS falls out onto the curb and LOIS speeds away.

 

CHRIS:

(Staring at the station wagon as it becomes a speck on the horizon.) Oh…

 

MR. HERBERT enters, wearing a backward baseball cap.

 

MR. HERBERT:

Hey, Chris. You better hurry up. Couch Allen got us running laps today, getting all sweating and hot. Going to need to shower up real good. Using soap on your taut, young flesh.

 

MR. HERBERT leans in close and takes in a deep breath, smelling CHRIS.

 

MR. HERBERT:

You smell good today.

 

CHRIS drops his head and follows MR. HERBERT into the school.

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 1: SCENE 1

ACT ONE – SCENE ONE

 

Setting:

(Interior of the Griffin household, living room.)

 

PETER lays sprawled out on the living room floor. The door to the house is left wide open. PETER is nude and splattered with blood. Scratches and yellow feathers cover his face and hands. The camera focuses in on PETER’S face. His glasses are skewed off the side of his face and one lens is cracked.

 

LOIS enters the living room, a load of laundry balanced on her hip. She places the laundry down on the floor and nudges PETER in the side with her foot.

 

PETER coughs and rolls onto his side.

 

LOIS:

(Nudging PETER again.) Come on, Peter. You’re late for work.

 

PETER:

(Weakly waves his hand at LOIS) Mah.

 

LOIS:

(Rearing back and kicking PETER in the back.) Get up, Peter.

 

PETER:

(Kicking wildly.) Ah! What the hell?!

 

LOIS:

Get up, Peter. You’re late for work.

 

PETER:

What the hell?! You kicked me. What’s wrong with you?

 

LOIS:

Get up or I’ll do it again.

 

PETER:

(Stumbling to his feet.) What’s your problem, crazy?

 

LOIS:

You’re late for work.

 

PETER:

I don’t have work. I haven’t been to work in over a year.

 

LOIS:

Are you sure?

 

PETER:

Yeah. Haven’t you been curious why I’ve been around all the time?

 

LOIS:

Peter, how have you been paying the mortgage, the light bill, the cable bill, or the phone bill?

 

PETER:

I thought you were doing it.

 

LOIS:

With what?

 

PETER:

Don’t you give piano lessons?

 

LOIS:

I don’t even think we have the piano anymore.

 

PETER:

(Fixing his glasses on his face.) Brian, Maybe?

 

Setting:

(Interior of the Griffin Household, Kitchen.) BRIAN enters, holding a cup of black coffee. He wears a white bathrobe and has a pair of glasses balanced on his nose. He holds a newspaper underneath his arm.

 

PETER:

Hey, Brian. I haven’t been to work in over a year and Lois ain’t working. We’re trying to figure out whose paying the bills. Are you doing it?

 

BRIAN:

Holy crap. Peter, what happened? Why are you nude? Why are you covered in blood?

 

PETER:

Don’t worry about it. Got into some nonsense with the Giant Chicken.

 

BRIAN:

Jesus, Peter. Are you okay?

 

PETER:

I’m fine. I’m fine. Just a little scrape with the Giant Chicken. Whatever. So, Are you paying our bills or what?

 

BRIAN:

(Walking to the kitchen table.) No, I thought that you were.

 

LOIS:

(To BRIAN) He thought that I was.

 

BRIAN sits down at the table and sets the coffee mug down.

 

PETER:

Brian, what the hell are you wearing?

 

BRIAN:

What?

 

PETER:

The robe. The glasses. Since when do you wear either of them?

 

BRIAN:

Since always.

 

LOIS:

No, you haven’t. You’ve never worn either.

 

PETER:

Are you gay? Is this the way you’re telling us that you’re gay?

 

BRIAN:

No. I just thought that I’d have an elegant morning, is all.

 

LOIS and PETER burst into laughter.

 

PETER:

Oh, my god. Is that not the gayest thing I’ve ever heard!

 

LOIS:

Seriously, Brian? Are you serious? What a jack-ass!

 

BRIAN:

(Standing up and throwing the newspaper to the ground.) Shut Up! You two are awful! I hate it here!

 

BRIAN exits in a huff, throwing his coffee mug to the ground. PETER continues to laugh aloud.

 

LOIS:

Shut up, Peter. Maybe, Chris has been paying the bills with his paper route?

 

Setting:

(Interior of the Griffin Household, Chris’s room.) CHRIS pulls on his blue shirt as his door opens.

 

PETER and LOIS enter. PETER remains nude and bloody.

 

 

PETER:

Chris, are you paying our bills?

 

CHRIS:

Dad, why are you naked?

 

PETER:

Long story. Don’t distract me. Are you paying our bills?

 

CHRIS:

Dad, I’m a paperboy. What do you think, moron?

 

LOIS:

Don’t talk to your father like that.

 

CHRIS:

You two barged in to my room, I’m late for school, I missed the damn bus and Dad’s dong is out for the millionth time. A wonderful start to the day.

 

LOIS:

(To PETER.) Peter, put your penis away.

 

PETER exits.

 

LOIS:

(To CHRIS.) Chris, I can drive you to school, but you need to show more respect to your father.

 

CHRIS:

I’m sorry. I’ve just been stressed out lately. I could really use someone to talk to.

 

LOIS:

Yeah. I’m not all that interested. Here’s an idea. You can start drinking like your father.

 

CHRIS and LOIS exit Chris’s room.

Coming Soon: Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script

I wanted to give you guys a heads up on a series of posts that will be coming March 17- March 24.

This is going to be crazy, funny and offensive. Don't miss it!

Matthew H. Jones: Who I Am

My name is Matthew H. Jones. I've been writing fiction since I could hold a pen and I've been wondering why. It's a major part of who I am and a major part of fiction is telling lies.

I'm not saying that all writers are liars, but I know that I am. I remenber being in Kindergarden and telling my friends that the Black Power Ranger was my older brother. I remember saying in the 4th or 5th grade that I could hold my breath for 5 minutes. I remeber stealing quarters out of my little brothers U.S state coin collection.

There's this egotism about me. I want the world to work a certain way and writing lets me do that. In real life, I'm a little powerless. I have no money. I have to connections. I'm kind and people respond to that kindness, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm tired, right now, as I write this and I'm trying really hard to end this without leaving my readers thinking I put a gun in my mouth.

I know.

What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitch fork.

The Office: Goat-Thieves

 I had been asking myself, 'why do I still watch The Office?'

To answer that, I'm going to hold up 'Parks And Recreation' in contrast. When I sit down to watch 'Parks And Rec.', I'm repeatedly told by the characters, ' We're clever. We're kind. We're loving. We're capable."

When I sit down to watch 'The Office', I'm repeatedly told the opposite. "We're cruel. We're Crass. We're Childish. We're, in short, horrible people."

These characters didn't start out that way and I came to the conclusion that I keep watching because I want to see things go wrong. It comes from an ugly, lizard-brained place and I'm not exactly proud of it, but I watch the show, hoping that bad things will happen to these people because, at some point in the sixth or seventh season, the writers started to tear down all the good will they'd built up. I have to liken it to gathering in a town square and throwing rotten cabbage at a goat-thief.

The character who, so utterly, embodies this is Jim, who was my favorite character for the longest time but he devolved into, kind of, a jerk. He started out as an every-man who occasionally did pranks. The writers decided that the pranks were more important than the character. With each season, he's become meaner and meaner, doing pranks that were increasing less justified. I tune in, hoping to see Jim's story arc end like a Russian novel, with him cursing a cold and uncaring universe.  

This is a strange, new kind of narrative, where the audience tunes in to hate the characters. With The Office, I believe it's accidental, but you can also point to 'It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.' and I believe, 'Curb Your Enthusism' in the same way.

The Average Dark Abby Reader...

It's 2 am where you are. You've just pulled your sweatpant up from around your ankles. You're feeling vaguely shameful, your eyes are bloodshot and teary. You're about to turn your computer off, but wait...

What was that short story by Stephen King?
All that You What Will Be Carried Away
All That You Have...
No, All That You Love Will Be Carried Away.

Google It!

An Analysis of All That You Love Will Be Carried Away? Sure, Why not.

My statistics show that contistantly, that one post is the number one viewed post. Thouhgt I'd share that with you.