ACT
ONE – SCENE ONE
Setting:
(Interior of the Griffin
household, living room.)
PETER lays sprawled out on the living
room floor. The door to the house is left wide open. PETER is nude and
splattered with blood. Scratches and yellow feathers cover his face and hands.
The camera focuses in on PETER’S face. His glasses are skewed off the side of
his face and one lens is cracked.
LOIS enters the living room, a load of
laundry balanced on her hip. She places the laundry down on the floor and
nudges PETER in the side with her foot.
PETER coughs and rolls onto his side.
LOIS:
(Nudging PETER again.) Come on, Peter.
You’re late for work.
PETER:
(Weakly waves his hand at LOIS) Mah.
LOIS:
(Rearing back and kicking PETER in the
back.) Get up, Peter.
PETER:
(Kicking wildly.) Ah! What the hell?!
LOIS:
Get up, Peter. You’re late for work.
PETER:
What the hell?! You kicked me. What’s
wrong with you?
LOIS:
Get up or I’ll do it again.
PETER:
(Stumbling to his feet.) What’s your
problem, crazy?
LOIS:
You’re late for work.
PETER:
I don’t have work. I haven’t been to
work in over a year.
LOIS:
Are you sure?
PETER:
Yeah. Haven’t you been curious why I’ve
been around all the time?
LOIS:
Peter, how have you been paying the
mortgage, the light bill, the cable bill, or the phone bill?
PETER:
I thought you were doing it.
LOIS:
With what?
PETER:
Don’t you give piano lessons?
LOIS:
I don’t even think we have the piano
anymore.
PETER:
(Fixing his glasses on his face.)
Brian, Maybe?
Setting:
(Interior of the Griffin Household, Kitchen.)
BRIAN enters, holding a cup of black coffee. He wears a white bathrobe and has
a pair of glasses balanced on his nose. He holds a newspaper underneath his
arm.
PETER:
Hey, Brian. I haven’t been to work in
over a year and Lois ain’t working. We’re trying to figure out whose paying the
bills. Are you doing it?
BRIAN:
Holy crap. Peter, what happened? Why
are you nude? Why are you covered in blood?
PETER:
Don’t worry about it. Got into some
nonsense with the Giant Chicken.
BRIAN:
Jesus, Peter. Are you okay?
PETER:
I’m fine. I’m fine. Just a little
scrape with the Giant Chicken. Whatever. So, Are you paying our bills or what?
BRIAN:
(Walking to the kitchen table.) No, I
thought that you were.
LOIS:
(To BRIAN) He thought that I was.
BRIAN sits down at the table and sets
the coffee mug down.
PETER:
Brian, what the hell are you wearing?
BRIAN:
What?
PETER:
The robe. The glasses. Since when do
you wear either of them?
BRIAN:
Since always.
LOIS:
No, you haven’t. You’ve never worn
either.
PETER:
Are you gay? Is this the way you’re
telling us that you’re gay?
BRIAN:
No. I just thought that I’d have an
elegant morning, is all.
LOIS and PETER burst into laughter.
PETER:
Oh, my god. Is that not the gayest
thing I’ve ever heard!
LOIS:
Seriously, Brian? Are you serious? What
a jack-ass!
BRIAN:
(Standing up and throwing the newspaper
to the ground.) Shut Up! You two are awful! I hate it here!
BRIAN exits in a huff, throwing his
coffee mug to the ground. PETER continues to laugh aloud.
LOIS:
Shut up, Peter. Maybe, Chris has been
paying the bills with his paper route?
Setting:
(Interior of the Griffin Household,
Chris’s room.) CHRIS pulls on his blue shirt as his door opens.
PETER and LOIS enter. PETER remains
nude and bloody.
Chris, are you paying our bills?
CHRIS:
Dad, why are you naked?
PETER:
Long story. Don’t distract me. Are you
paying our bills?
CHRIS:
Dad, I’m a paperboy. What do you think,
moron?
LOIS:
Don’t talk to your father like that.
CHRIS:
You two barged in to my room, I’m late
for school, I missed the damn bus and Dad’s dong is out for the millionth time.
A wonderful start to the day.
LOIS:
(To PETER.) Peter, put your penis away.
PETER exits.
LOIS:
(To CHRIS.) Chris, I can drive you to
school, but you need to show more respect to your father.
CHRIS:
I’m sorry. I’ve just been stressed out
lately. I could really use someone to talk to.
LOIS:
Yeah. I’m not all that interested.
Here’s an idea. You can start drinking like your father.
CHRIS and LOIS exit Chris’s room.
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