Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 1: SCENE 3

 

ACT ONE - SCENE THREE:

 

Setting:
(Interior, Griffin Household, LOIS and PETER’S bedroom.) PETER lays in bed, wearing a white t – shirt and blue, pin-striped boxer shorts. He has a remote control in one hand and he’s flicking through channels.

 

LOIS enters, holding STEWIE.

 

LOIS:

Peter, I need you to watch Stewie while I run to the super market.

 

PETER:

Why not take him with you? There’s going to be a GOLDEN GIRLS marathon and I want to milk the snake to something weird.

 

STEWIE:

What’s that supposed to mean? Milk the snake? What snake? That makes as much sense as that MILA KUNIS joke.

 

ENTER CUT-AWAY GAG #1

 

Setting: (Interior, Movie theater.)Two guy sit in a theater, watching previews before the feature. The glow of the silver screen washes over their faces.

 

ANNOUNCER:

MILA KUNIS is a young executive with a heart of gold. CHRIS PIKE is a cocky rich kid who never learned to love. These two have to done some crap that doesn’t matter because they’re both beautiful. Coming Soon: PRETTY PEOPLE DOIN’ STUFF.

 

GUY #1:

(Nudging GUY #2 in the side. He laughs once to himself.) I’d like to MILA her KUNIS.

 

GUY #2:

What does that mean?

 

GUY #1:

(Raising his hands for a high-five.) Come on. MILA her KUNIS.

 

GUY #2:

I get it. MILA is the verb, in this instance, and KUNIS is the noun, but what are you doing when you’re MILAING someone’s KUNIS?

 

GUY #1:

Um…. Eating vagina, I guess.

 

GUY #2:

So, you’d like to eat MILA KUNIS’ vagina? That’s what you’re saying?

 

GUY #1:

(Crossing his arm over his chest.) You’ve ruining it when you say it like that.

 

GUY #2:

Come on. Don’t be like that. Say it again. I’ll laugh.

 

GUY #1:

(Standing up.) No. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to watch the movie anymore.

 

GUY #2:

(Calling after the exiting GUY #1) Come on!

 

 

EXIT CUT-AWAY GAG #1

 

Setting: (Interior, Griffin Household, LOIS and PETER’S bedroom.)

 

LOIS:

Peter, if you’re not going to be working than you need to help out and I need you to take care of Stewie. It’ll only be for half an hour.

 

LOIS hands STEWIE over to PETER.

STEWIE
(Calling back to LOIS.) Get Sunny D. I'm serious.

 LOIS exits.

PETER stares into his son’s (STEWIE) eyes, holding him at arm’s length. The camera cuts tight on PETER’S face. The camera cuts to STEWIE’S face. It cuts back to STEWIE, showing only his eyes. It cuts back to PETER, again, showing only his eyes. PETER and STEWIE begin to kiss passionately.

 

There’s a jump cut PETER holding STEWIE at arm’s length. STEWIE had imagined kissing his father.

 

STEWIE begins to kick, scream and squirm in PETER’S grasp.

 

PETER:

(Getting out of bed.) Damn it. Lois! Lois!

 

PETER continues out of the room and down the stairs as STEWIE screams and attempts to escape PETER’S hold.

 

PETER:

(Turning into the kitchen.)Lois! Lois! Stewie’s freaking out!

 

PETER continues out the back door and sees that the car isn’t in the driveway.

 

PETER:

(Continuing back into the household.) Damn it! Where’s Brian?

 

PETER

Brian! Brian!

 

STEWIE manages to slip free from PETER’S grasp. STEWIE kicks PETER repeatedly before dropping to the ground and rushing into the dining room. PETER goes chases after STEWIE.

 

PETER:

Get back here, you little bastard.

 

STEWIE:

Away from me, Fat Man!

 

The camera follows PETER as he chases STEWIE through the house. They snake from the dining room into the Living room, up the stair, and into the STEWIE’S room. PETER just stares STEWIE as he disappears out the window.

 

PETER crosses the room and leans out the window, searching to see where STEWIE disappeared to. PETER spots STEWIE as he disappears onto the roof. PETER climbs out the window and up onto the roof. He slips once, nearly plummeting to the ground below.

 

PETER chases STEWIE around the rooftop, slipping and sliding along the slanted roof. PETER nearly catches STEWIE, lunging at the infant. STEWIE springs out of the way and crashes through the roof and falls into the attic and, then, into MEG’S room.

 

PETER:

 

PETER:

Son of a bastard.

 

The pile of bricks slams down hard on PETER. PETER collapses underneath the bricks, falling unconscious.

 

(Struggling to his knees.) Goddamn it!

 

PETER looks up through the gaping hole in time to see STEWIE shoving the chimney onto its side, dropping it down on PETER.