Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 2: SCENE 4

ACT TWO – SCENE FOUR

 

Setting:

(The Griffin Household, Interior, living room.) LOIS sits, reading a magazine while STEWIE sits on the floor, eating animal crackers and watching JOLLY FARMS.

 

PETER comes crashing in, his shirt torn and his glasses askew.

 

PETER:

Lois. What the hell? You just left me.

 

LOIS:

(Flipping the page on the magazine.) Shit happens.

 

PETER:

You are just awful today.

 

LOIS:

(Flipping the page on the magazine.) And you’re fat. Do you really want to shine a light on the problems in this marriage?

 

PETER:

Fine. I’m gonna go get a beer.

 

LOIS:

You do that.

 

PETER exits into the kitchen.

 

A flaming arrow crashes through the window and sets the carpet on fire. LOIS springs up, screaming. STEWIE scrambles away, disappearing into the kitchen. LOIS stamps the fire out.

 

LOIS:

(Peering through the smashed in window.)What the hell!

 

The crowd of random Asians stands outside the household, wielding swords and bows knocked with arrows. The ASIAN WOMAN stands at the forefront.

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

(Pointing an accusatory finger.) Give back the baby!

 

PETER rushes into the living room.

 

PETER:

What the hell happened?

 

Throngs of arrows fly toward the window. PETER snatches LOIS by the shoulders, pulling her out of the way.

 

LOIS:

(Screaming outside, into the yard.) Lady! What’s the problem!

 

PETER:

They must’ve followed me after you left me.

 

LOIS:

I’m not apologizing for that.

 

PETER:

We’ll circle back to you being a bitch today. I think I should call Joe.

 

PETER exits into the kitchen, only to return a moment later.

 

PETER:

They cut the phone line. What do they want?

 

LOIS:

That crazy lady outside thinks Stewie’s her baby.

 

PETER:

Can we…just…you know… give him to her?

 

LOIS:

Peter! No, we can’t give her our baby!

 

PETER:

Christ! I’m just saying, she’s here with freaking swords and crap. She, clearly, wants him enough to kill for him.

 

LOIS:

Peter! We’re not giving her our baby!

 

PETER:

Let’s let him decide.

 

LOIS:

What?

 

PETER:

You know. Like a dog with tow owners. You know.

 

LOIS:

We will not do that.

 

PETER:

You afraid he won’t come to you?

 

LOIS:

No, I’m not afraid…Maybe, he won’t. I’m not giving him the chance.

 

PETER:

So, you’d rather get shot full of arrows?