Bad-Ass School: The Top 10 Graduates

Below are the Top 10 Graduates of Bad-Ass School: The School so Bad-Ass, you have to shoot your way in and then back out.

10. William Munny - Client Eastwood (Unforgiven: 1992)
All though Eastwood has re-cast himself as a grumpy, old man and seems to be re-re-casting himself as grumpy, crazy, old man, (Isn't that right, Mr. President?) his performance in Unforgiven has cemented his status as a Bad-Ass. Without a gun, in pain and over the hill, he screamed an entire town of Gunmen. "If anyone you shoot me, I'll find you and I'll kill ya. I'll find your friends, your family, your wives and your children. I'll bury them all."

9. Butch Coolidge - Bruce Willis (Pulp Fiction: 1994)
Willis seems to be following in the footsteps of Eastwood, which makes me concerned for the future of Bad-Asses in general. For now, let's worry about his established Bad-Ass-hood (Yes, it is a word.) You need only see Willis, wide-eyed and bloodied as hell, clutching a big-ass sword. "They keep under-estimating me. That's how I'm going to win."

8. Harvey Keitel
I know Keitel isn't a movie character, but I'm pretty sure that he could help you get rid of a body in real life. The fact that I believe that makes him a Bad-Ass.

7. Lt. Hiroo Onoda
You know how World War II ended in 1945? Not for this Bad-Ass. He kept the fight going untill 1974. They had to scare up his old commanding officer to get him to stop. He was actually a member of the Japanese Imperial Army, fighting against America but he's still a Bad-Ass.

6. Malcolm Reynolds - Nathan Fillion (Firefly: 2003)
Fillion seems to be on the more gentle side of Bad-Ass-itude (It's a word. Shut up.), but when he goes Bad-Ass, he goes hard. He seems nice, but he kicked a dude into the exhaust-port of his ship, Serenity. BAD-ASS!

5. Rick Blaine - Humphrey Bogart (Casablanca: 1942)
Bogart shot one Nazi (I think he was a Nazi) and it's soooo satistifying. It's more of a love story, than anything, but when Rick shoots that guy, it feels like he's on the path to kill all the Nazis.

4. Ron Swanson - Nick Offerman (Parks And Recreation: 2009)
Offerman is single-handedly reminding America what a man is. You eat meat, lots of meat. So much meat that looking at it makes your heart hurt. When you sit down at a diner, you ask for all the bacon. But what about that other men? That's how hippies think. Shut up!

3. Batman (The Dark Knight Returns:1986)
I don't want to make it seem like Bad-Asses are only old men, but yes, I feel old Batman was a bigger Bad-Ass than any other Batman. He breaks the Joker's neck and beats the crap out of a big mutant guy. He also fights Superman, nearly kicks his ass. "This is my Operating Room."

2. Roland Deschain (The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: 1982)
Deschain kills a crap ton of people. At one point, he actually killed an entire town and then later, killed another town with his Ka-tet.

1. The Bride - Uma Thurman (Kill Bill: 2008)
I heard that there might be a third Kill Bill movie and I got depressed when I found out that Tarantino just says he wants to do sequels to almost all his movies. He's a nerd for his own movies, but he needs to stop hike up my hopes.

The Ridiculous Adventures of the Cole, the Living Flame and Patrick, the Coward

Cole burned, crackling on the end of Patrick's staff. Cole peered out into the gloomy night. Wolves etched through the darkness and there was the scream of a girl.

The Trouble With Women

Here’s the problem. Girls throw their feelings around like threatened squids or something. Maybe, I’m just emotionally stinted (I’m probably somewhere on the spectrum.), but I’m pretty sure that it’s not fair for some lady to spew her bad day at my face. Apparently, she lost her car which she relied on to get to her job. I’m aware that this is a bad thing and I’m aware that I take the vague form of a Peoples but I’m just barely that. I can handle, maybe, seven emotions a day and I’ve got to be mad at least once and horny at least twice.

 

Part of me wishes that I could live back in the fifties. Only part of me because I’m black and the only reason why a black guy wouldn’t get his ass kicked in the fifties is because everyone was too busy beating up a gay guy or a Catholic. The part of me that’s dense enough to think I can get away with being a black guy before the eighties really wants to go, though. This might not be accurate, but I’m pretty sure that feelings were invented in the sixties by the fucking hippies. Before that, people were just sociopathic blank slates and it was cool. You worked a twelve hour day at a job you hated and that was killing you slowly and then you came home and beat your wife. There was no conversation about why the beating occurred or how anybody felt about the beating. It was like the rain. It just happened.

 

And women. You could hospitalize a woman for flinging her feelings around. Not, like smash in her rib cage, although men did that anyway. You could literally have your wife committed to a mental hospital for feeling too much. Like with everything else, there was a protocol. When you wanted to get rid of your wife, without murdering her (Pussy.), you first beat her, as always. Then, you took her to a doctor, who would masturbate her to cure a good, old-fashion case of Hysteria. If the problem persisted, then you would repeat that action three times and then, you got to dump her at the funny farm. You just drove up and told the doctors that her vagina was broken or something.

 

“Harry, I…I can’t have this baby. Physically, I’m capable but if I bring this life into this world, I know I’ll resent it and I know I’ll resent myself for hating it. I can’t think of anything crueler to do to a child.”

 

“Peg, I heard you. I understand what your saying and I’ll tell you what. I’m going to force you to have that baby but you won’t have to take care of it. I’ve been sleeping with my secretary. She’ll take care of the tike and you, my darling, will get a new white jacket that’ll hug your tight and a white room that’s just for you. Now, how’s that sound?”

 

“What happened to Dr. Goldberg and the dildo?”

 

All of that changed during WWII when the brave men of America crossed the Atlantic to beat German women. With no men around, the American women started to build up something known as ­self-esteem while playing Baseball with Tom Hanks. You might be saying to yourself, ‘Tom Hanks, the baby? Was Tom Hanks even alive during WWII?’

If you actually asked such a stupid question, then I feel sorry for you. Everyone knows that Tom Hanks is a Time Lord and went back in his time machine. A League Of Their Own was a documentary and Shelby Marshall redacted the time travel aspect because women make bad decisions. See All the women I’ve ever slept with. So, Tom Hanks helped foster the Feminist movement instead of killing Hitler because Tom Hanks is selfish. Think of all the horrible things that have  ever happened. Tom Hanks could have stopped them, but he played Baseball and drank grain alcohol, instead.

Well, maybe it’s not fair to say he’s selfish. I don’t understand the time-space continuum. Maybe things would be much worse if Hitler didn’t rise to power. Maybe, there would have been nuclear dinosaurs, instead. Just big-ass, Nazi dinosaurs with radioactive blood snatching fucking planes out of the sky and eating the pilots’ faces. Here’s some homework: Find a WWII veteran. You should probably hurry because they are dying, right the fuck off. Find a Vet and ask him if a Nazi ever tried to bit his arm off. Dinosaurs are worse than Nazis.

Let’s take the top war machine of WWII, the Panzer Tank. Let’s pit that against the top predator of the Jurassic Period, the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The Panzer has a lot going for it, but I have to maintain the T-Rex would fuck the Panzer tank in its cannon hole. It’s a Motherfucking T-Rex, Motherfuckers.

“No, because the Panzer has a big gun on the front. You can just shoot the T-Rex in the face.”

Hey, Smart-Ass! Guess what? No, you can’t and shut the fuck up. The Panzer has a fixed barrel. Unless you’ve got some guys to lift the entire tank up at a 70 degree angle and hold it there long enough for you to fire at the T-Rex, then the Panzer is going down. Now, do I know if that part about the fixed barrel is true? Nope. And I’m not going to fact-check this. It’s clearly bullshit. Listen, it doesn’t matter what type of gun the Panzer had, it’s piloted by people and the only response to seeing a Tyrannosaurus Rex is, ‘Holy fuck-nuts! A fucking T-Rex! Oh, god! It’s fucking us in our Cannon hole!’

This is all deviating from my real point. Girls, I’m not your boyfriend. I shouldn’t have to know about your goddamn feelings. 

I Don't Know What To Write...

I've been working off-line for a while, nearly a month now. I'm sitting in a McDonald's with a Big Mac sitting at my side. The internet isn't back on.

I'm stressed to say the least because I'm a creature of internet and I'm trying to make money off the internet [(Just like everyone else.) Shut up, Matt.] My most recent finished novel, No Magic For Luke Peters rests, unpurchased on Amazon Kindle and I'm currently working on its sequel, No Soul For Luke Peters.

I had a thought and I'm not going to say it because it'll open me up for ridicule. Let me try to rephrase it so that I don't sound like an asshole. The stress of my life (my father's increasingly brittle temperment, my dwindling standing at my current job, and my inability to work in the medium I want to work in) should be good for me as an artist, but it's hard. I don't know what to write.

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 3: SCENE 2

ACT THREE – SCENE TWO

 

Setting:

(The Griffin Household, Interior, Living room) LOIS sits on the couch, in the dark, sobbing into her hands. Lights spills out from the kitchen.

 

PETER stands in the doorway, his shadow stretching across the floor. He slowly raises a sandwich up to his mouth. He takes a bite while staring at his wife. He gradually finishes the sandwich and then opens a bag of chips, crunching them loudly. LOIS is still sobbing aloud. He empties the bag and then shakes the crumbs from the bag into his mouth. With the chips gone, he opens a beer. LOIS is still sobbing. PETER takes a long gulp of beer and then rests the beer against his chest.

 

PETER:

Hey… um… Lois, you on your period or something?

 

LOIS:

(Turning to look at PETER.)No, I’m not on my period! Our baby is gone. Stewie just left with that lady!

 

PETER:

Oh, yeah. That whole business. I’m having trouble remembering things since the chimney fell on me.

 

LOIS:

Peter, we have to get our baby back.

 

PETER:

Lois, he made his choice. What can we do?

 

LOIS:

I don’t know. I just want my baby back. 

 

 

PETER:

Wait a minute. I’ve got an idea.

 

PETER rushes out the front door.

 

Setting:

(The Griffin Household, Interior, Living room.)LOIS sits on the couch. PETER enters the living room with STEWIE in his arms. STEWIE has a bottle of Sunny D clutched in his hands.

 

LOIS:

(Trying STEWIE from PETER) Stewie! But how?

 

STEWIE:

He got me my Sunny D, bitch.

 

The frame freezes.

 

ANNOUNCER:

Sunny D. It’s the only reason why your children will stay with you, you dumb whore.

 

-CREDITS-   

Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 3: SCENE 1

ACT THREE - SCENE ONE

 

Setting

(Exterior of a single-story ranch house with a weedy, unkempt lawn.) ASIAN WOMAN and the random crowd of Asian enters, crowding the streets. ASIAN WOMAN carries STEWIE in her arms. ASIAN WOMAN  enters the single-story ranch-house, leaving the random crowd of Asians. One of them pulls a smoke bomb out of his pocket, throws it to the ground and then they all disappear.

 

Setting:

(Interior of the single-story, ranch-house.) ASIAN WOMAN sets STEWIE down on a couch next to a sterotypical black baby. ASIAN WOMAN exits into the kitchen.

 

(Description of Black Baby: Big afro, diamond ear rings and a saggy diaper. He looks nothing like Rallo from 'The Cleveland Show') 

 

STEWIE:

Rallo?

 

BLACK BABY:

What?

 

STEWIE:

I just...I mean...Well...Listen, I'm just going to be honest here. You look like someone I know... (To himself.) Wait. Have I met Rallo, yet? I can't imagine why I wouldn't have. The writers are so starved for storylines... That seems like a given.

 

The BLACK BABY is still staring at STEWIE.

 

STEWIE

Oh, I'm sorry. You're still here.

 

BLACK BABY

Who the hell are you?

 

STEWIE

(Offering his hand.) Stewie Griffin. Pleasure to meet you.

 

The BLACK BABY doesn't take STEWIE's hand.

 

BLACK BABY

You gonna die if you don't get out of here.

 

STEWIE

Oh...Aren't you unplesant. (Calling into the kitchen.) Asian mommy! Asian mommy! A word, please!

 

BLACK BABY

(clapping a hand over STEWIE's mouth) Shut up! We both gonna die. This lady's crazy.

 

The BLACK BABY climbs off the couch and gestures for STEWIE to follow. They skirt around  the kitchen door and walk down a hallway.

 

The BLACK BABY pushs open a door to reveal a bedroom full of dead, rotting babies. STEWIE's mouth drops open.

 

STEWIE

What the hell's going on?

 

BLACK BABY

She's been taking babies off the street for years. She lost her own baby and now she's trying to replace him.

 

STEWIE

Wait...Why aren't you dead?

 

BLACK BABY

Because I was the most like her kid.

 

STEWIE

You mean...like, in temperment and personality. Obviuos, you don't mean...

 

BLACK BABY

I don't mean what...

 

STEWIE

Come on. You know. You're...one thing and she's another.

 

BLACK BABY

No, I don't know. How are we different?

 

STEWIE

Come on...You know what... Never mind. You two are exactly alike. You're clearly an Asian child.

 

BLACK BABY

We don't have time for this. She's gonna kill one of us if both of us don't get out of here.

 

STEWIE

But she's going to give me Sunny D.

 

BLACK BABY

(Gripping STEWIE around the shoulders.) She doesn't have any Sunny D. She never has Sunny D.  

 

STEWIE's face goes blank.

 

STEWIE

(Stepping away from BLACK BABY) Just a moment.

 

STEWIE walks away, exiting into the kitchen. There's a loud crash, followed by a scream.

 

STEWIE

(From the other room.) Liar! Liar! You never had Sunny D! Did you! Did you!

 

STEWIE enters the hallway and walks up to BLACK BABY.

 

STEWIE

We're good. Listen, we might want get out of here. Like... now. I'll go to Juvenile Hall, but they'll try you as an Adult.

 

 

 

 



Unanswered Questions: A Family Guy Script ACT 2: SCENE 5

 

ACT TWO – SCENE FIVE

 

Setting:

(The Griffin household, Exterior, front lawn.) Stewie stands on the lawn with the ASIAN WOMAN and the crowd of random Asians on one side LOIS:

Stewie! Stewie! Come to mommy.

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

No, Baby. You come here.

 

LOIS:

I’ll give you cookies and juice.

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

I give you orange slices and math homework.

 

LOIS:

Stewie! Come to mommy. I’ll play ‘The Itsy-Bitsy spider’ on the radio.

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

Baby. Come here or I slap you on the back of your head, so your hair can hide the bruise.

 

STEWIE:

(To LOIS.) Do we have Sunny D or that purple stuff in the refrigerator?

 

LOIS:

I think we just have that purple stuff. I didn’t have time to go to the store.

 

STEWIE:

(To ASIAN WOMAN) Would you have Sunny D?

 

ASIAN WOMAN:

Yes.

 

STEWIE:

(Walking towards the ASIAN WOMAN.) Asian Lady wins.

 

LOIS:

Stewie! No!

 

STEWIE:

Sorry, bitch. You should’ve gotten me my Sunny D.

 

The ASIAN WOMAN scoops STEWIE up into her arms. She and the random crowd of Asians depart down the street. LOIS collapses to her knees, sobbing. PETER kneels at LOIS’s side, comforting her. The frame freezes.

 

ANNOUNCER:

Sunny D. Buy it or your children will leave you, you dumb whore.