Friday, October 25, 2013

News Item Of The Week! - Panama

Timothy Carter, the sexy mastermind of Craig Carter’s escape, had apparently faked his brother’s death and killed three prison guards with a guns fabricated out of crack cocaine and semen. Carter has sent for this reporter and at the moment, we are holding hands on a sunny beach in Panama. We have just finished a dinner of Roasted Boar, Spanish rice and ice, cold beers. This will be the last report this reporter will file. This reporter would like to leave you with these last words: Never lose hope and believe in love.

Friday, October 18, 2013

News Item Of The Week! - Craig Carter Is Dead

Craig Carter has been put to Death via lethal injection at 7:16PM. It appears that Timothy Carter had no intention of breaking his brother free, or running away with this reporter. Timothy has, however, called this reporter, requesting more crack cocaine. This reporter is now willing to entertain the possibility that Carter is a drug addict and was only using this reporter to feed his addiction. This reporter had a wife and two beautiful children and he threw it all away for Timothy Carter and for what? Now, this reporter has nothing… NOTHING!

Friday, October 11, 2013

News Item of the Week! - Craig Carter Execution Approaches

Craig Carter is slated to be put to death this upcoming Tuesday. Timothy Carter’s escape attempt has yet to be sprung. This reporter has been on this story for about a month now and it is still unclear what Carter’s plan is. As much as this reporter is aware, Carter’s escape attempt will involve a large supply of Crack Cocaine, which has been supplied by this reporter. Also, it seems that Carter will utilize several ounces of this reporter’s semen. This reporter had lost his position over his story and admittedly, he can no longer be objective about it. He is in love with the master mind, Timothy Carter and will be waiting outside the prison the night before Craig Carter’s execution. This reporter has nothing to lose and has emptied his bank account and purchased three tickets to Panama, which doesn’t have any Extradition treaties with America. This reporter wants Timothy Carter to know that he loves Carter and will happily run away with him.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013



This cute, little kitty cat is wanted for being the most adorable kitty in the world. Also, he set a baby on fire. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

A Mouthy, 25-YEAR-OLD Dick-Head's Open Letter To A U.S. Representative

Dear, Congresswoman Nikki Tsongas

When America behaves as a homogenized whole, we are capable of extraordinary things. In World War II, we were the Goliath; we were the Incredible. Unfortunately, America has stopped behaving like a homogenized whole. A fist is not made up on any individual finger. It’s made up of an entire hand.
On October 1st, 2013, the U.S. Government was forced to shut down due to a failure to set a clean budget. This was not due to some insurmountable issue. It’s due to politics. Some may suggest that Politics is an insurmountable issue, but I believe that, like with a gangrenous finger, there is a solution, all-be-it unpleasant. Diseased flesh must be excised from healthy tissue. According to, Congress’s current Approval Rating stands at 11%, while Congress’s incumbency remains near 90%, as reported by the Why?
These are elected officials. Their presence can only be blamed on the electorate. Congressmen who are comfortable in their elected offices; who grope for hands to shake and slobber on babies around election-time, but only keep the campaign promises that are made behind closed doors  should probably be brought up for re-elections  while their empty-promises are still fresh in the populous’ mind. If Congressmen work harder to keep their seats (and lobbyist money) around election-time, then let election-time be a perpetual truth.
I also feel that the behavior of a Congressman in Texas affects my life in Massachusetts. A handful of elected officials managed to ensnare an entire nation in a pity squabble. The entire nation, as of the writing of this letter, is heading toward an economic shutdown and these men and women threatening to allow it to happen. If a Congressman from Alabama, Arizona, Iowa, Georgia or Florida has the ability to negatively affect my life, I feel that I should have the ability to negatively affect his position. Should Congressmen behave in an obstructionist way, seeming for the sake of being obstructionist, there should be a readily available way of recalling that Congressman. I am calling for National Recall Voting for Senators and Congressman based on polling data. Many of these problematic politicians are protected because the electorate of their state cast votes against the Presidency instead of for any given Congressman.  If these Congressmen were exposed to voting on a national level, many of them would fall to the wayside.  
Thank you for time and attention.

Mouthy Dick-Head

Friday, October 4, 2013

News Item of the Week! - Murderous Mob Election

Since the Governmental Shutdown on Oct. 01, roving bands of murderous looters have begun to form in the American Northeast. The rapid formation of said ‘Road-Warrior’ style groups seems to suggest that the men and women of the New England and New York area have been preparing for a potentially lawless Hell-scape for their entire lives. Many of these violent rapists and thieves have acknowledged the importance of Leadership in these turbulent times and have agreed to hold formal elections for various positions in this new government-less Terror-dome.
The following candidates are seeking office in the following offices:
Running for Secretary of Rocks Big Enough to Crush a Man’s Skull:
Dan “Hate-Monger” Smith
Timothy “Face-Stabber” Johnson
Wanda “Queen of Blood River” Jacobs
Running for the Office of Cannibalism
Brent “Hell-Mouth” Simmons
Bill “Sax-Man” Clinton
Alan “Please Don’t Hurt Me” Marks
Running for the Office of Half-Crazed Stabbing and General Bloodlust
Tim “Baby-Stomper” Cruise
Bill “Do It Live” O’ Reilly
Dakota “The Dead-Eyed Monster” Fanning
Lastly, running for the Head of the Savaging, Face-less Mob
Mike “The Rock” Gravel
Hope “Pretty Lady” Wilson

Pamela “Beast of the Southern Plain” Lane


Timothy Carter, who is expected to gather a crack team of convicted felons in order to save his elder brother from Death Row, has requested even more crack cocaine. It remains unclear how all this crack cocaine will aid in Timothy rescuing his elder brother, Craig Carter. The editorial staff has threatened to fire this reporter if he continues supplying Timothy Carter with a single granule of Crack Cocaine. This reporter has chosen to ignore their wishes because he is a reporter, first and an employee, second. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013



This Gray Catnip-fiend is wanted in Canada for the attempted Assassination of the Canadian Prime Minister.