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Friday, December 28, 2012

The Top 10 Letters of The Alphabet (Not In Alphabetical Order)

Here's the top 10 Letters of the alphabet. If your favorite letter isn't here, then you're an idiot and everyone you love is an idiot.

10. T - T is on for titties and that's why I love it.
9. D - D is for Double Ds and that is why I love it.
8. A - A is for Awesome Titties and that's why I love it.
7. L - L is for Lovely Titties and that's why I love it.
6. X - X is for X-rated Titties and that's why I love it.
5. W - W is for "Where's the Titties?" which is the question I'm always asking.
4. V - V is for Vagina, which is typically below a pair of titties.
3. P - P is for Penis, which typically goes into a vagina, which is typically below a pair of titties.
3. Q - Q is for "The Quest for Titties"
2. O -O is for "Oh, shit. There's Titties over there."
1. K - K is for Kittens, which are awesome, but not as awesome as titties.

Don't Have Kids

I was at the store the other night, at about ten o’clock. A squat-looking woman wearing a black, hooded sweatshirt came in with her six-year-old son. The son had little flakes of snow peppered in his curly, black hair and a mouth full of half-rotten teeth. He wore a pair of black shorts and a thin, sweatshirt. The boy and his mother went around the store, filling a shopping basket with junk food. The boy was bounding around the store, wide-eyed and excited to be somewhere warm. I didn’t know the entire situation behind this mother and her child, but I do think that she was the kind of woman who can’t see the consequences of the decisions she made.


She turned to me, her skin dried out and bags ringing underneath her eyes. Her eyes were bloodshot like twin cracked mirrors reflecting all the bad ideas she had agreed to. I could see a chubby-cheeked girl of eighteen taking the hand of a man with a different girl’s name tattooed on his neck. I could see him leaving bruises along the back of her head, ones that she could cover with her hair. I could see small, plastic bags filled with marijuana sending her into a decade long haze. The few times that she stepped from that haze, she realized that she wasn’t eighteen anymore, she realized that she had a kid, she realized that she didn’t have the kid’s father. It became easier and easier to remain in the haze because it was harder to come out of it.


She smirked at me after her son tossed a bag of corn chips across the sales floor and she said, “Don’t have kids.”

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Jackson 5

I'm just going to say that this song is weird. The subtext is that Little Michael's father is dressed up like Santa Claus and is kissing his mother, but Little Michael doesn't know that. As far as he knows, he just caught his mother in the arms of a stranger and he's eager, excited even, to cause conflict on Christmas morning. He's basically saying, "I won't be happy until my parents are divorced or my mom has a black eye. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, everyone.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Day Zero: December 22, 2012

Hey, Look. Burt, the horny midget's still alive!

Burt - Born in a dumpster to a one-eyed Polecat and a toothless Deck worker named Skittles.
Burt - Never own, nor wore a pair of pants.
Burt -  Can't swim, but refuses to stay away from the pool.
Burt - Spent two years locked in a cage with a rabid monkey. Came out alive with a belly full of diseased monkey meat.
Burt - Ruined every Christmas party he's ever been invited to.
Burt - Bare-knuckle boxed a dog at the age of six.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Day Zero: December 21, 2012

Four days from Christmas and the whole of America is silent. There is no difference between Zero Cell Virus victims and healthy people. They all lay dead in the street, blood dripping from eye-holes, nostrils and mouths. Blood spills from wounds and all the world was death, death, death. There is nothing more for the orld, nothing but meat for the carrion birds.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

A Little Honesty At the End Of The World

What If we've just crested into the last day on Earth, the Mayan Apocalypse. How would you feel about your last day on Earth. I've been thinking about it. If today was my last day, I would've wished I were more honest. Here's a little honest at the end of the world.

I'm a liar. I lie because I don't understand why people like me. I am blind in so many ways and I'm just left to guess at why a girl smiles at me, why someone chuckles at something I say, why I can be forgiven, why I can be missed.

I've come to believe that people aren't mistaken when they like me, but I honestly have no idea why they do. I like Quid-Pro-Quo relationships where I can say exactly why the person is around; they need someone to vent to, they need someone to cheer them up, they need someone to lift something heavy. I get why I'm there and I get why we're hanging out.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Day Zero: December 17th, 2012

Wolves ripped through the night, howling and snarling. These night predators entered the city and brought slaughter to people hiding in their houses.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Day Zero: December 10th, 2012

The whole of America was bathed in cold darkness as several power grids exploded. The cold, winter winds blew, but the Zero Virus victims seem not to be detoured.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Lost In The Northlands: A Blogged Novel

Chapter One: Running
Cold water, briny and deep, bit at my waist as I moved through the darkness, through the moon-washed night. It was hard to keep my footing as the current tugged on me. My bare feet slipped and slid over the smooth, but somehow piercing, rocks lining the riverbed. Searchlights spun and glared through the fridged night and gunfire crackled through the air, but they weren't shooting at me, yet. I was pretty sure that they didn't even know I was here. I needed to get far away before they did.
There was a faint wind and screams were carried on it. It was a miserable thought, but I wished that the others would do their dying further away. One fo us had to escape and I had the best chance. Most of them still had their collars on. I got my collar off. Even less of them had slipped over the fence and down into the prickly underbrush. I had gotten over the fence and all the way down into the river. Others were blundering in my direction, leading Jack-booted soldiers with large automatic weapons to me. If they got any closer, I'd have to dive deep into the running current, let it drive me helplessly away. I didn't like the idea of being helpless.


Sticks snapped and dead leaves crunched aloud and for a moment, I wondered if the soldiers had shot one of the others dead, letting their body roll and pinwheel its way through the brush. It turned out not to be so. It was Macula. Macula was a moose of a man with a shaved head and shunken-in eyes, making him look like he was wearing his own skull. I didn't think that he would've been able to get this far, that he could've even got his collar off. He stole into the river, splashing wildly as he made his way towards me.
"Cherla, they're coming. The soldiers, they almost got me." Macula said, breathlessly. It was normally difficult for people to understand Macula. His nose had been smashed in at some point and had never healled properly. Him being breathlessly made it doublely difficult.
"Shut up." I hissed at him, ducking down low, putting the cold, churning waters at my chin. Macula didn't take my hint and kept standing. He scanned up the hill, studying the underbrush as if he was expecting others to imerge. That wasn't what we planned. It was everyone for themselves, everyone running in every direction. That way, at least one of us could make it out of the Northlands.
I started moving my way throguh the waters and away from Macula. If he wanted to get shot dead, then I'd let him. Hopefully, the soldiers would assume that Macula had followed the patterns of the others and was alone. Bullets zipped downward and into the riverwater. Macula shrieked aloud and started rushing towards me. I started rushing away from him until I couldn't. A bullet sliced through my leg like a hot knife through butter. I fell forward, into the water and for a moment, I breathed in the cold river. I rose up from the water as bullet whipped down into the river. I coughed the river out from my lungs as Macula ceased me about the shoulders, lifting up onto his shoulder and into easy firing range. I don't know how I ddin't die.
"Into the river, deeper into the river. Like it wash us away." I called Macula. Macula dove long and far, slamming backward into the faster currents. We were both washed away.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Day Zero: December 3rd, 2012

President Obama and his family fled the Nation's capital today as Zero Virus victim swarmed across the White House lawn. Secret Service opened fire on the swarm, but Vice President Biden along with several cabinet members were lost in the attack.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Apocalypse as Self-Help

We are exactly twenty days away from the leged apocalypse.

I haven't been living the life I'd like to be leading. If I was going to die in 20 days than what would I want to do with my time.

Back in 2006, I did my very first 'Bucket List.'

I'm developing another one. I'm improvising this one so it'll be short.

Here's eight things I want to do before the apocalypse:

1. I want to see a Stephen King Lecture.... (And I am  on the 7th)

2. I want to see some awe-inspiring...

3. I want to be a hero...

4. I want to smoke a cigarette while watching the sunrise...

5. I want to finish "Kid Silver: Alone"...

6. I want to fall head first into a new novel...

7. I want to tell someone I love them...

8. I want to go out to eat and drink a Vodka Cranberry made by a professional...