Back Issues

Sunday, November 30, 2014

November's Humiliated Dog And Dog Attack

Women, 73, is in rehabilitation after Dog Attack!

Friday, October 31, 2014

October's Humiliated Dog And Dog Attack

Happy Halloween!

Owner Charged After Dog Allegedly Mauled 79-year-old Man to Death

Friday, September 5, 2014

No Deed

At the bottom of the hill, the streets were cracked. Weeds straggled the base of the stop sign. The sky was just a purple bruise.  At the top of the hill, a lone child screeched. The baby was what I remembered. His face was an unnatural beet-red, like he was choking . I stood there, watching the baby stumble between two glaring headlights. He was barefooted and bare chested with his tiny fingers wounded around a light blue blanket., The baby made his teary-eyed way down the hill, the headlights making his small, tortured face look unworldly.
There was a man and a woman at each other’s throats, literally choking one another. I thought of waltzing. The man and the woman looked like apes, pretending to be ballroom dancers.  There They crushed tiny tablets into powder with their heels as they danced. An amber-colored pill bottle without rolled down towards me .  
My legs started pumping and time began to hiccup. I was at the bottom of the hill and then, I was at the top. My hands held groceries, then they held nothing and then, they snagged into the man’s shirt.
Time caught up with itself and the man was on his hands and knees. The woman chased after the baby and cans of soups scattered down the hill. The woman snatched the baby up in her arms, but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. He febily thudded his tiny fist against the woman’s breastbone. His blanket rested in an oil streak on the side of the road.
“Stay down,” I said to the man. I didn’t sound convincing and he ignored me. My hands were shaking and I felt my bladder fill. He stood eye to eye with me and I blinked. He shoved me to one side and started toward the woman.
“Hey! Hey,” I said to the man, but he ignored me.
“Get the fuck in the car,” the man said to the woman and she got in the car while the baby screamed. Two doors slammed and I was standing alone in the headlights. The man honked the car’s horn and I stepped out of the way. The car tore down the road, running over my Chicken Noodle Soup.

Monday, September 1, 2014

September's Nerd Words Puzzle

Code Words:
- Puppy, Puzzle, Puddle Needle, Kettle, Bubble, Evolve, Connect, Juju - 

15-2-14-13- [STOP]  10-2-21-21- [STOP] 15-18-5-24-19- [STOP]

Sunday, August 31, 2014

August's Humiliated Dog and Dog Attack

It's back!

And it occurs to me that I haven't explained the logic behind this stupid series. Well, I've never since a dog who was happy to be dressed up. At best, dogs are willing to roll with it. 

They're all like, "okay. I don't know how to take this off my body. I don't have thumbs. So, fuck it."

(So, I've noticed that all these people are white and, for some reason, make the humping so much worst. Natalie Portman said it best in Garden State: " Kick 'em in the balls." That shuts that nonsense down immediately.)

Sunday, July 20, 2014

A Six-Word Fascination

    I missed you. I won’t again.
   Look at me. I am invisible.
  Today, she will come and hunt. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

A Six-Word Fascination

    Your eyes! Very Pretty.  Very tasty.
  I know your secret. Go away.
    Can’t go home. You smell bad. 

Friday, June 20, 2014

A Six Word Fascination


   Take your gun. Angels protect me.
    Everybody started bleeding. Worst. Birthday. Ever.

   Monsters are people that eat people. 

Thursday, June 12, 2014

News Item of the Month: June

Local Jacksonville, FL resident, Chris Stephens, declares that he's going to "fuck up" his brother-in-law, Jacob Scurry upon his release from prison. Stephens reasons that Scurry has "been fucking around on my sister."

Stephens appeared blurry-eyed with purple lips. His breath had a sour, wine-like scent. Albert O'Conner, Sheriff's Deputy at Jacksonville County Jail, reports, "That boy, Stephens, got into that toilet hooch and it look like he got a shit ton of it."

O'Conner went on to report, "I get into that hooch from time to time, when I ain't got no more beers and I wanna stay lit. Them fuckers get pissed off and I tell them, "Shut your mouth before you get pissed on, fuckers." O'Conner appeared to be intoxicated, as well. A public inquiry has begun into the staffing and policies of the Jacksonville County Jail system.     

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

A Six Word Fascination

    Drink this. I need you dead.
    Plates broke when Tom came home.

   Kate smokes alone. We burn together. 

Sunday, June 1, 2014

June's Nerd Words Puzzle

7-5-17 6-20-17 18-1-4-15-17, 24-7-23-17

HINT: Count your MAIL and then, look toward the MORNING. 

Saturday, May 31, 2014

May's Humiliated Dog And Dog Attack

Dog Attack In Lowe's Store Sends 3-Year-Old Boy To Hospital

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

A Six Word Fascination

    Got drunk. Got Married. Happy ending.
  Kyle is dead. He says hello.  
You are cute for an asshole 

Monday, May 12, 2014

News Item of the Month!

Dog Trainer and Author, Marlon Banks has recently published the world’s first inspirational book intended strictly for dogs. On September 12th, 2014, his book “You Come from Wolves, Asshole” will be available for purchase from several on-line and brick-and-mortar retailers. In the book, Banks admonishes our four-legged friends to stop acting like jack-asses.
Banks writes: “… 5000 years ago, when mankind saw the glint of yellowed eyes refracted from the flames of their campfires, their hearts would shutter in their chests. The world had teeth in those days and you had blood on your muzzle. Now, you grow fat and old, licking your useless balls and whining for food that your prey doesn’t want. What’s wrong with you...?”
News Items of the Month had contacted Mr. Banks, hoping to understand his position. It seemed that he was encouraging dogs to murder people. Banks clarified his position, stating: “No.  No. I’m not looking for some kind of war between dogs and humans. I’m just saying that it’d be cool to see a war between humans and dogs. Don’t you think that would be cool?”
News Items of the Month noticed a flaw in Banks’ plan to sell books to dogs, in that dogs do not possess money or know how to read. News Items asked Banks about this.
Banks states: “Oh, shit. You’re right. But, I mean, people could totally buy the book for the dog. I mean, people buy stuff for their dogs all the time, right? They’ll buy the book for the dogs and then, they’ll probably have to read the book to the dogs and then, the dogs will rip their owners’ throats out. “

News Items followed up, asking why would any owner even do that. Banks declined to answer, choosing instead to spit at our reporter. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

A Six Word Fascination

   God loves all, just not you.
   Free dancing shoes. Lost the leg.
  The Taken are never taken alone. 

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

April's Humiliated Dog And Dog Attack

Dog Attacks 3-Year-Old Boy in California Lowe's, Owner Flees The Scene

Sunday, April 20, 2014

A SIX Word Fascination

   Christmas presents. Never opened. Bad kids.
    A big war. We didn’t win.

   Glass houses break. Hit others preemptively. 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

News Item of the Month: April

Governor Rick Scoot has announced a plan to recover much of the money he lost during the highly-maligned bill, reallocating tax revenue into the purchase of lottery tickets. Governor Scott has filed a lawsuit in an English court, claiming that J.K. Rowling had modeled the major antagonist of the Harry Potter series, Voldemort, on his likeness. Governor Scott, further, claims that J.K. Rowling based many events of Volemort’s life are based off of Scott’s life.
“Lord Voldemort’s actual name is Tom Marvolo Riddle. He rearranged the letters of his name when he came to power. I did the exact same thing. Before I went into politics, my name was Kroc Stict.” Governor Scott told a local reporter.

Again, there were reports that Governor Scott, then, kneaded his hands together and bobbed his head up and down, saying ‘Yeah. Yeah. Y’all are going to see. Y’all are going to see.”

Thursday, April 10, 2014

A Six Word Fascination


       Ice is cold. Blood is not.
      She slept. He slept. They died.

  My wife loves you. Please die. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April's Nerd Words Puzzle



3. The Whistling Baines
5. Hello, People of Earth.
8. Dead Author's Podcast
1. Former Fat guy from Lowell, Ma
2. My hat! My hat! My hat! They're dancing around my hat!
4. This is ____ loves ____
6. Boomer Lives!
7. Stuff you should Know