Dog Trainer and Author, Marlon Banks has recently published the
world’s first inspirational book intended strictly for dogs. On September 12th,
2014, his book “You Come from Wolves, Asshole” will be available for purchase
from several on-line and brick-and-mortar retailers. In the book, Banks
admonishes our four-legged friends to stop acting like jack-asses.
Banks writes: “… 5000 years ago, when mankind saw the glint
of yellowed eyes refracted from the flames of their campfires, their hearts
would shutter in their chests. The world had teeth in those days and you had
blood on your muzzle. Now, you grow fat and old, licking your useless balls and
whining for food that your prey doesn’t want. What’s wrong with you...?”
News Items of the Month had contacted Mr. Banks, hoping to
understand his position. It seemed that he was encouraging dogs to murder
people. Banks clarified his position, stating: “No. No. I’m not looking for some kind of war
between dogs and humans. I’m just saying that it’d be cool to see a war between
humans and dogs. Don’t you think that would be cool?”
News Items of the Month noticed a flaw in Banks’ plan to
sell books to dogs, in that dogs do not possess money or know how to read. News
Items asked Banks about this.
Banks states: “Oh, shit. You’re right. But, I mean, people
could totally buy the book for the dog. I mean, people buy stuff for their dogs
all the time, right? They’ll buy the book for the dogs and then, they’ll
probably have to read the book to the dogs and then, the dogs will rip their
owners’ throats out. “
News Items followed up, asking why would any owner even do that.
Banks declined to answer, choosing instead to spit at our reporter.