Friday, May 17, 2013

Bad-Ass School: The Top 10 Graduates

Below are the Top 10 Graduates of Bad-Ass School: The School so Bad-Ass, you have to shoot your way in and then back out.

10. William Munny - Client Eastwood (Unforgiven: 1992)
All though Eastwood has re-cast himself as a grumpy, old man and seems to be re-re-casting himself as grumpy, crazy, old man, (Isn't that right, Mr. President?) his performance in Unforgiven has cemented his status as a Bad-Ass. Without a gun, in pain and over the hill, he screamed an entire town of Gunmen. "If anyone you shoot me, I'll find you and I'll kill ya. I'll find your friends, your family, your wives and your children. I'll bury them all."

9. Butch Coolidge - Bruce Willis (Pulp Fiction: 1994)
Willis seems to be following in the footsteps of Eastwood, which makes me concerned for the future of Bad-Asses in general. For now, let's worry about his established Bad-Ass-hood (Yes, it is a word.) You need only see Willis, wide-eyed and bloodied as hell, clutching a big-ass sword. "They keep under-estimating me. That's how I'm going to win."

8. Harvey Keitel
I know Keitel isn't a movie character, but I'm pretty sure that he could help you get rid of a body in real life. The fact that I believe that makes him a Bad-Ass.

7. Lt. Hiroo Onoda
You know how World War II ended in 1945? Not for this Bad-Ass. He kept the fight going untill 1974. They had to scare up his old commanding officer to get him to stop. He was actually a member of the Japanese Imperial Army, fighting against America but he's still a Bad-Ass.

6. Malcolm Reynolds - Nathan Fillion (Firefly: 2003)
Fillion seems to be on the more gentle side of Bad-Ass-itude (It's a word. Shut up.), but when he goes Bad-Ass, he goes hard. He seems nice, but he kicked a dude into the exhaust-port of his ship, Serenity. BAD-ASS!

5. Rick Blaine - Humphrey Bogart (Casablanca: 1942)
Bogart shot one Nazi (I think he was a Nazi) and it's soooo satistifying. It's more of a love story, than anything, but when Rick shoots that guy, it feels like he's on the path to kill all the Nazis.

4. Ron Swanson - Nick Offerman (Parks And Recreation: 2009)
Offerman is single-handedly reminding America what a man is. You eat meat, lots of meat. So much meat that looking at it makes your heart hurt. When you sit down at a diner, you ask for all the bacon. But what about that other men? That's how hippies think. Shut up!

3. Batman (The Dark Knight Returns:1986)
I don't want to make it seem like Bad-Asses are only old men, but yes, I feel old Batman was a bigger Bad-Ass than any other Batman. He breaks the Joker's neck and beats the crap out of a big mutant guy. He also fights Superman, nearly kicks his ass. "This is my Operating Room."

2. Roland Deschain (The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: 1982)
Deschain kills a crap ton of people. At one point, he actually killed an entire town and then later, killed another town with his Ka-tet.

1. The Bride - Uma Thurman (Kill Bill: 2008)
I heard that there might be a third Kill Bill movie and I got depressed when I found out that Tarantino just says he wants to do sequels to almost all his movies. He's a nerd for his own movies, but he needs to stop hike up my hopes.

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