Sunday, May 15, 2011

Productivity Drive

The Office Fan fiction: Productivity Drive or Creed in the Wall

Cold Open: The director’s voice is quickly heard ordering the camera man to switch to the B-camera. The camera man drops the one he is holding on the couch outside Michael’s office. The camera stays on and fast forwards a few hours. The office empties and Creed is seen sneaking back in and prepares the couch by reception with pillows and a blanket. He looks to the front door and races to the conference room. Next two men in blue jumpsuits come in and set up bug bombs around the office. They leave and Creed picks back out of the meeting room, sees the looming gas and makes an attempt to escape through the front door. It won’t open, he scurries out of frame and returns back into frame, and he finds an air vent by the reception desk and climbs up into it. The tape runs out.

The office is buzzing and the sales staff are hard at work, each have a phone pinned between their shoulder and the side of their heads. Each are multitasking either by scratching down sales information or by clacking away on the computer. The camera sways into Michael’s office which is empty. The lights are off and the shades are drawn.

“Sabre sent out a company wide memo announcing their yearly Productivity Drive. Simply said, they put up some crazy bench mark, 10,000 printers sold in a day for instance, and award the branches that reach that bench mark with a pretty sweet bonus for everyone, accounting, HR, everyone. Because the average for this branch is more like 15 or 20 printers in a week, we thought we’d give ourselves the best chances and we’ve tricked Michael into staying home today. It seems harsh, I know, but I’ve already sold 57 and I’ve only been here for an hour.” Jim says into the camera whilst a smile creeps over his mouth.

The focus is drawn back to the office. Dwight is at his desk, chugging an energy drink before tossing it aside and launching into a sale call.

Dwight barks his pitch in a rapid fire monotone, “Hello, this is Dwight Shrute from Dunder- Mifflin/Sabre Sales Department. Let’s talk about your printer needs.” Dwight paused for a twitching second, rapping his fingers on the desk. “Ok, shut up. You’re going to buy 12 of our XG Ink Jets and you’re going to do it now.” He says quickly in forebodingly.
“Yeah, you bet you’re sorry. I’ve already filled out the sales form, I just need your information, give it. No! No! You hang up on me and I’ll find you. I swear it. Don’t you dare. Good. Now, we can both just walk away from this if you just give me your information, you hear me?” He shouts to the dismay of his coworkers. Dwight prepares a pen and paper. He scratches down the customer’s information. “That wasn’t so hard, was it.” He hangs up the phone and starts a new call.
Jim stares at Dwight for a long moment before saying, “It makes no sense that you can get away with that.”
“Yeah, Shut up.” Dwight barks before brushing Jim off completely. He starts his abuse toward the next customer in the same rapid fire monotone. “Hello, My name is Dwight Shrute.” Michael hurries into the office, raps his knuckles on Erin’s desk. He shouts aloud to the office as a whole, “I need some suggestions for good band names! Come on, people!” He starts clapping his hands and repeating the latter sentence.
“Coco and The Peanuts.” Kevin calls from Accounting.
Jim stands and moves to Michael. “Hey, Michael. You mind if we talk in your office?” He said.
“What about? Is it about Pam.” Michael asks, whispering the latter sentence and peering obviously to Pam, who looked back awkwardly.
“Yeah, sure. But in your office.” Jim says, herding his boss into the empty office. They sit down and Jim rests his folded fingers over his mouth.
“So, Michael, ah, I noticed that you’re here. Um, why?” He says, bringing his hands to his lap.
A smile perks up on Michael’s face and a muffled laugh drips off his lips. “It’s Tuesday, Jim. I’m always here on weekdays. Though, a funny thing happened. Someone reset the Calendar on my phone. For some reason, it’s saying it’s Saturday. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to fix it.” Michael pulls out his phone and plays with the buttons.
“Hmm. That’s weird.” Jim says. Jim thinks back to himself slipping into Michael’s office after Michael strides out toward the break room.
“Hey, ah, how you doing today? You’re looking a little pale, a little tired.” Jim asks, pasting a concerned look on his face.
“ I do?”
“Yeah, and you know there’s that bug going around.”
“There’s a bug?”
“Yeah, a nasty one. You know what I’d do if I were you? I wouldn’t risk it, I’d go home right now.”
“No, I can’t. I’m needed here.” Michael says, drawing out the ‘No.’
“Don’t you worry about us. We’re fine. In fact, I’m telling you, for the safety of yourself and the office, take the rest of the day off.” Jim says. Michael starts to gather his things and move toward the door. He stops just outside the doorway and turns back to look at Jim.
“Wait. Do you still have the authority to send people home?”
“Technically no.”
“Then you definitely don’t have the authority to send me home.”
“Yeah, but, um, don’t you want to go home anyway?” Michael continues moving toward the exit. Jim hurries back to his desk, watches Michael leave and picks up his phone.

Productivity Drive Part 2
The sales staff continues their calls. Pam throws her phone on the cradle in frustration. She cocks her head back and whines aloud. Jim forms a shy smile and looks over to his wife.
“Everything Ok, babe?”
“No one wants printers. You can’t get anything off your computer without it and stupid everyone doesn’t get that.” Pam says folding her arms.
“Well, What’s your pitch?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you say to make them want the printer?” Jim says through a nervous smile.
“I say what it does.” She says in a most-obvious-thing-in-the-world tone.
“You mean like it prints paper.”
“And other things.”
“Printers, for the most part, don’t do much of anything. All they do is print, so if you go in that direction, you’re pretty much limited. Do what I do, I stick to pricing, and I stick to customer service. We kick ass at that.”
“I say that, but they ask me what each model does. They’re printers. I want to say what do you think they do, but that’s confrontational, apparently.” She makes a whine and Jim smiles at it.
Erin calls across from reception to Jim. “Line 6, Scranton Regional Computer Support Services.” Jim picks up the phone and launches into the call.
“You suck, Erin” Pam kids, frowning at her husband’s lost attention.
“I’m sorry. Don’t hate me. I’m not sure what I did.” Erin says nervously. A bang sounds from the wall behind reception and causes Erin to jump up in shock. Everyone pauses for a short moment, but continues shortly after. Another bang sounds, followed by a groan.
Phyllis, putting a hand over her receiver, says, “Jim, cut the crap, not today.”
Jim, doing the same, asks, “What makes you think I’m doing that.”
Stanley scratches down information on a piece of paper and announces in his patented sleepy droll, “It’s always you, normally we’ll put up with it because it’s funny, but it ain’t cute today so cut it out.”
“It’s not me.” Jim says, sounding more defensive. The banging continued and louder than before, followed by a notable old man scream.
Phyllis, shouts out in irritation, “Jim! Stop the damn banging!”
“That’s what she said.” Michael says grinning.

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