Friday, June 28, 2013

My Uncle’s Time in the War

My Uncle Ned was a Private-First-Class in the United States Army, although he says he should’ve been a goddamn Squad leader for all he did for this goddamn country. He was stationed on Andiron Six for the bulk of the war, which saw more action than any of those pussies that stayed home saw, so don’t call my Uncle Ned a coward, goddamn it! My Uncle Ned told me about when the Insect Warriors scurried through my Uncle’s encampment, slaughtering nearly all of my Uncle’s goddamn friends. The bug guts was up to my Uncle’s knees when the battle was over. My Uncle thought he scorched his hands, his gun was so hot and his hands were so covered in gunpowder. And, did he get a medal for his bravery? No. Not even a goddamn handshake for his trouble. He got court-marshaled and then, dishonorably discharged. The Brass told my Uncle that there wasn’t any Insect Invasion, that we weren’t even fighting any goddamn insects.

Well, What the hell was I shooting at?

The Brass told him he had been shooting randomly into the air, screaming into the night. The Brass, in all their wisdom quote-unquote, said that my Uncle was supposed to be fighting the Germans and his conduct had nearly given away their outpost. Well, my Uncle was zipped back to Earth on the next light-speed shuttle to find that the Insect Empire had invaded here on Earth. He says that the Insects are hiding in people suits, indoctrinating children and aiding the Blacks to get the vote. Before I know it, there’ll be a goddamn insect in the White House and then, it’ll be all over. And that was my Uncle’s time in the war.

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