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Monday, September 16, 2013

Bonus!!! News Item of The Week! - All Mass Gunmen Have Tiny Baby-Dicks

Dr. Tobias Webber, Professor of Large-Scale Murder at UCLA, has published an article in the Journal of Criminal Study equating Mass Murderer's death tolls with Mass Murderer's penis sizes. According to Webber, the number of unarmed civilians murdered is directly proportioned to the shooter's penis length, a full 1/4 inch being subtracted with every murder commited. Webber came to this conclusion after observing Sandy Hook Shooter, Adam Lanza's autopsy.

"What's that poking out from his anus?" Webber had asked the attending physican.

"His penis. Adam Lanza has a -7 inch penis." The Physican reportedly replied.

Webber examined other mass murderers and discovered this to be universally true. While Boston Bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev (I punched my keyboard to get that spell.) was recovering in Boston General Hospital, Webber had the opportunity to attend a physical examination/public humilation.

"I was handed a shopping bag filled with rotten vegetables and oversized dildos and was instructed to lob the contents at Tsarnaev. I had been sat next to several teenage girls who had been instructed to giggle loudly and make catty remarks about his penis. Their job had been made difficult due to the fact that Tsarnaev didn't have a dick at all. It took them some time to realize the tail coiled on the floor wasn't, in fact, a long, roppy poo. Instead, it was his -30 inch cock." Webber said.

When asked if he pegged that bastard with a dildo, Webber reportedly said, "Right up side his fucking head, man."

Webber wishes to expound the undeniable fact that if you kill unarmed, innocent people, your dick will shrink up into your body and then, go into negative inches.

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