According to the University Of Pennsylvania’s Baby Statistics Department, the rate of baby self-immolation has remained unchanged since last year’s study. Professor Chuck Bentley reportedly said that:
“Absolutely no babies have set themselves on fire as far as we know. We haven’t really looked and we, honestly, don’t want to.”
Bentley was asked if this rate was likely to raise or lower. Bentley then said:
“Dude, shut up.”
Timothy Carter, who is expected to rescue his elder brother before the end of the month, has requested more crack cocaine and has offered this reporter oral sex in exchange for said crack cocaine. This reporter, against the direct orders of the editorial staff, has elected to honor Carter’s request.