Friday, October 4, 2013

News Item of the Week! - Murderous Mob Election

Since the Governmental Shutdown on Oct. 01, roving bands of murderous looters have begun to form in the American Northeast. The rapid formation of said ‘Road-Warrior’ style groups seems to suggest that the men and women of the New England and New York area have been preparing for a potentially lawless Hell-scape for their entire lives. Many of these violent rapists and thieves have acknowledged the importance of Leadership in these turbulent times and have agreed to hold formal elections for various positions in this new government-less Terror-dome.
The following candidates are seeking office in the following offices:
Running for Secretary of Rocks Big Enough to Crush a Man’s Skull:
Dan “Hate-Monger” Smith
Timothy “Face-Stabber” Johnson
Wanda “Queen of Blood River” Jacobs
Running for the Office of Cannibalism
Brent “Hell-Mouth” Simmons
Bill “Sax-Man” Clinton
Alan “Please Don’t Hurt Me” Marks
Running for the Office of Half-Crazed Stabbing and General Bloodlust
Tim “Baby-Stomper” Cruise
Bill “Do It Live” O’ Reilly
Dakota “The Dead-Eyed Monster” Fanning
Lastly, running for the Head of the Savaging, Face-less Mob
Mike “The Rock” Gravel
Hope “Pretty Lady” Wilson

Pamela “Beast of the Southern Plain” Lane


Timothy Carter, who is expected to gather a crack team of convicted felons in order to save his elder brother from Death Row, has requested even more crack cocaine. It remains unclear how all this crack cocaine will aid in Timothy rescuing his elder brother, Craig Carter. The editorial staff has threatened to fire this reporter if he continues supplying Timothy Carter with a single granule of Crack Cocaine. This reporter has chosen to ignore their wishes because he is a reporter, first and an employee, second. 

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