Untitled Workplace Comedy
By Matthew H. Jones
Act 1: Scene 1:
SETTING: Narrowed office space with desks and filing cabinets crammed inside. The desks are crooked and have papers scattered across their tops. Similar to the Offices in the Movie, “BRAZIL”, high ceilings and gray walls. Beneath the worker’s feet is a crimson red carpet. Workers clatter at their aging keyboards and riffling through folders and files.
The scene begins overhead, surveying all the workers, then the camera swings down, going down the long, narrow aisle, picking up speed as it passes each person. The camera stops abruptly and then turns on a young man in his mid-twenties (JOHNATHAN). He wears a clumsily tied, black tie and a wrinkled, white shirt. He looks up to a camera which is looking down at him. He moves his rolling chair to the left and the camera flows. He moves to the right and the camera flows.
A woman wearing a sky blue blouse and holding a manila envelop (MONICA) steps before the camera.
MONICA: What are you doing?
JOHNATHAN: I can’t be sure, but I think somebody has a crush on me.
MONICA: Person on the other side of the camera?
JOHNATHAN: (Rolling his chair back to the left) Otherwise, she would have reported me.
MONICA: For what?
JOHNATHAN: I haven’t been working all this month.
MONICA: (Annoyance slightly peppering her voice) That means you don’t have the numbers on the Anderson Account.
JOHNATHAN: (Rolling his chair to the right.)Those words are meaningless to me.
MONICA: How do you even know it’s a she?
JOHNATHAN: (Turning his head to MONICA. The camera swivels up and adjusts to bring MONICA into focus. ) There’s no real way of knowing. My only resort is to fantasize.
(MONICA makes a disgusted scoff.)
JOHNATHAN: I’m thinking 6’1. Long blonde hair. Legs for miles. A nice ass and a nicer pair up top.
MONICA: Do you have the Anderson Account? I’ll just get Andy to run the numbers.
JOHNATHAN: She’d probably be in trouble, herself. Over looking my bad behavior. Using the cameras to satisfy her womanly needs. I see her in a darkened room, only the hum of the monitors for company, sliding her finger along her…
(MONICA walks away in disgust.)
ACT 1: SCENE 2
Setting: Small break room under a flickering bulb. A small circular table sits in the center and is flanked by dingy walls and a rattling, sputtering refrigerator.
A skinny, young man(KEITH) sits at the circular table eating a cheese sandwich, perking at it nervously. Monica walks into the break room.
MONICA: Hey, Tim. Eating lunch?
KEITH: (Under his breath) It’s Keith. (Out loud) Yes, Ma’am.
MONICA: You don’t have to call me, ‘Ma’am.’
KEITH: (Under his breath¬ ) You told me, too. (Out loud) Yes, Ma’am.
MONICA: Hey, Tim. Have you seen Andy?
KEITH: (Under his breath) His name’s Paul. (Out loud) He went down to Maintenance to get them to change bulb in here.
MONICA: (Sounding shocked) He went down to Maintenance?
KEITH: Yeah…Yes. He… Is that okay?
MONICA: (Moving toward the door and sounding upset.) No, Tim, It’s not. They’re going to kill him. Probably shove a plunger up his ass, big end first. But kill him, definitely. They don’t take kindly to interns, down there.
KEITH: (Under his breath) Thanks for the visual. Goes great with my meal.
ACT 1: SCENE 3:
Setting: Narrowed Office space.
MONICA: Come on, people! We’ve got a rescue mission. Dumb ass intern went down to Maintenance.
BOB: They’re going to shove a plunger up his ass.
MONICA: If we’re lucky. I need four!
DAVID: (Pulling a broadsword inscribed with elfish writing out from under his desk.) You have my sword.
DEBORAH: (Taking a crossbow from the side of her desk.) And my bow.
BOB: (Standing on his desk, holding a Viking Pole Ax in both his hands.) AND MY AX!
MONICA: (Unsheathing a sword that glowed blue.) Then we are off!
JOHNATHAN: (Rolling to his chair to the left and then to the right. The camera continues to follow him.) Cool! Have fun.
An older man (PHIL) enters in from behind a door marked “FLOOR MANAGER”
PHIL: What’s going on out here?
JOHNATHAN: They’re going to save Andy from being raped and murdered by Maintenance.
PHIL: (His hands on his hips.)If he’s down in Maintenance, he’s already being raped. Bob, get off the god damn desk.
(BOB climbs down from the desk, almost falling in the process.)
PHIL: You can go down and get him, but no swords. No Crossbows. No Axes, Bob.
(PHIL exits back into his office.)
DAVID: (Disappointed and throwing his sword down to the ground.) Motherfucker.
MONICA turns a fire extinguisher off the wall.
DAVID: ( Picking up an electric pencil sharpener) Well, I guess you have my electric pencil sharpener.
DEBORAH: (Picking up a red stapler off her desk.) And my Stapler.
BOB: (Snatching a paper-weight up off his desk and then climbing back up onto his desk, raising the paper-weight over his head.) AND MY COMAMERATIVE PEANUTS-GANG PAPER-WEIGHT!
MONICA: (Charging down the aisle.) To Maintenance!
ACT 1: SCENE 4:
Setting: A bland, colorless hallway. Cameras swivel and glare over head. Fifties era lounge music plays over head.
MONICA leads the way down the hall, followed by DAVID, BOB, and DEBORAH. The four stop before a door marked MAINTENANCE.
MONICA: Bob, kick in the door.
Bob slams his foot into the door and bursts inward. MONICA blasts the room with the fire extinguisher as roars and howls erupt. DAVID and BOB rush into the cloud of swirling carbon dioxide.
BOB: (Roaring at the top of his lungs.) Come on, Motherfuckers!
MONICA and DEBORAH charge in. The extinguisher smoke billows out from the opened door as screams and scuffling bleed out. BOB is the first to exit, dragging a skinny, young man with his pants around his ankles (PAUL). Tears and blood roll down his faces and he howls as he clutches for his pants.
DAVID exits next, holding his stomach, blood pouring from his stomach.
DAVID: ( Collapsing to the floor.) Motherfucker cut me.
BOB lets go of PAUL and hurries over to DAVID, applying pressure to DAVID’s wound.
DAVID: I’m going to die! Motherfucker killed me.
BOB: (Screaming) You’re not going to die!
DAVID: It hurts. I think I’m pissing myself. Oh, god!
MONICA exits, blasting the fire extinguisher and then smashing someone in the head with the base of the extinguisher. MONICA charges over to PAUL, whose crying in the fetal position.
DAVID: I’m going to die!
BOB: You’re not going to die! Say it! Say you’re not going to die!
DAVID: I’m going to die!
MONICA grips PAUL by his shirt and shakes him.
MONICA: You did this! You did this, you bastard!
DAVID: I’m going to die!
BOB: You’re not going to die! Say the fucking words!
MONICA: (Pulling PAUL to his feet) Get up! Get up now, motherfucker.
BOB: Monica! Monica help me! We need to get him out of here!
MONICA hurries to BOB and DAVID and they aid him down the hall.
MONICA: (To PAUL) Come on, motherfucker! Move! Move!
The smoke dies down as the four exit. DEBORAH exits the Maintenance room, wrestling with a man in a pair of dirty, blue coveralls. DEBORAH wraps her arm around the man’s neck and then snaps it.
DEBORAH: They fucking left without me.
ACT 1: SCENE 5:
SETTING: Hospital room. Sunlight filtering in from an open window. The walls are powder blue and a heart monitor chirps steadily.
MONICA and BOB stand on either side of DAVID’s hospital bed.
DAVID: Bob, I have to hand it to you. You were right. I wasn’t going to die.
BOB: I was really sure you were, to be honest. You’re a little bit of a pussy.
DAVID: Kind of harsh.
BOB: Still true.
MONICA: Bob, stop it.
BOB: Come on. He didn’t even kill the man that gutted him. What the fuck?
DEBORAH walks into the hospital room.
DEBORAH: What the fuck, indeed. Where were you guys?
MONICA, BOB, and DAVID: Hey, Deb.
DEBORAH: I was right behind you, Monica and all of a sudden you were gone. Did you guys forget about me?
BOB: I did.
DAVID: I got stabbed.
MONICA: I thought you were still behind me.
DEBORAH: Did you really?
MONICA: No. I wasn’t even thinking about you.
DEBORAH: What the fuck. I thought we were friends.
MONICA: Shit got heavy. David got stabbed… I’m sorry, Deb.
DEBORAH: I had to kill a guy to get out of there.
BOB: Good girl. (To DAVID) David, you could learn something from her. She has a pussy and you’re a bigger pussy than her.
ACT 1: SCENE 6
SETTING: Inside the Office space. At JOHNATHAN’s desk.
JOHNATHAN sits in his office chair, shifting from the left to the right and KEITH leans against an adjacent desk.
JOHNATHAN: I’d like to think she has blonde hair.
KEITH: Can she have red hair?
JOHNATHAN: You’re missing the point. It doesn’t matter what color her hair is. We don’t even know if she has hair… You’re fucking it up for me. You know what. Yes, she has to have blonde hair. Find your own camera girl.
KEITH: (Under his breath) She probably has a dick.
JOHNATHAN: I imagine her as a naughty girl, wearing a tight-tight nurse’s outfit with her knockers spilling off the top.
KEITH: She’s wearing a nurse’s outfit. She works in the security bay.
JOHNATHAN: Being out of uniform is part of the reason why she’s naughty.
KEITH: But why a nurse’s outfit.
JOHNATHAN: why not?
KEITH: Can she be wearing a sexy policewoman’s outfit? That would make more sense.
JOHNATHAN: Dude. You’re doing it again. She’s in a nurse’s outfit. You know what, do the fucking numbers for the Anderson Account. Shoo. Fly the fuck away. (KEITH walks away) Red headed policewoman. What the fuck is wrong with you?
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